It's been since June since i could sit down at the computer and write? That sounds so right...because only as of the 14th have i been released from the vice grip of a demon straight from hell...
Actually a few demons...one stands upright, hairless ; ) like a human...but not any longer...even some of the last words said were..."I have changed...you didn't"...knowing what i knew, felt, died over, heard, got lied to about, made to feel crazy over...i knew it was meant as a compliment...of the highest..."most insightful person i have ever known" = sees through your bullshit.
Or she was just racking up what "He's gonna pay this time." actually equated to in dollars, houses, cars, early retirement, control...I was not the first...I was "this time some high school girlfriend."....guess the others were of a higher caliber...or scarier...strippers, hookers and the like can be heartless...which i am not...
So i fell into the snake pit...hook, line and sinker...saw with my own two eyes...but with a Sociopath and increasing vodka intake...things get blurry...some things...with me...lies will never slip by...letting of course buckets of other stuff slide by...
This was the intended outcome from the first parking lot kiss. Yeah, so...what do i do now? Where do i go? Who do i become? Am i on jesus's side or am i just riding down the middle of the road...no side picked...the one that has to be is adios...he who i knew...never was all that crazy about...didn't miss all these years...kissed really well but that size issue...remember it from back then and there it was again...plus you are so fat...ok I'm a drunk...but i can pull it together and put on shoes other than flip flops...my most hated man "thing" since i could remember...men who wear flip flops all year round..no matter how white the feet get...pigeon toes or not...and the nylon...what's with that?
Then there was the story of the pinkie rings and Caddy's...cigars....Las Vegas...yuck...gets worse by the minute...house in AZ retirement development? Hope to turn it over...know you got lots and lots and lots of property...I lost my home remember? knowing now who holds the purse strings, got your balls in a vise, actually has been waiting 8 years for you to pony up and split everything 50/50.
Watched you pussy out on anything in that direction. You stole a year i will never get back and all you have to do is grovel...write a check...all is well...
Revenge...sorry puppy dog eyes...sorry you chased...you got ridiculed when actually it was me who was with you and he who's name still eludes me at the same time...quick kisses...pantries...parking lots...droopy shoulders across the room...doing all my bidding...including dating others...younger sisters of guys i was dating...working...wasting hours to be in the same work place as i was in...your sarcasm falling short every time...this time you can tear, rip...but sooner or later your heart breaks and you are there consoling...remember whole new house because "that whore was in my kitchen"....
Not a lot of time left...be sure this is how you want to live it...
YUP...you changed and i did not...thank you GOD...thank you, thank you, thank you....
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Breaking Through the Wall -
If you have ever broken - been broken, blamed, lied to, deceived, loved with all your heart two card carrying Sociopaths within 4 years - one is an experience that can take you half a life to get over - the last one had his fiance a few miles away - his succubus - I do not mean that negatively it is their chemistry - no one will break it - no matter how it was 30 years ago - now i watch as the parrot I love more than anything becomes confused, hides, loses weight and consistently calls the name of the last Sociopath in the most pathetic sad voice I have ever heard over and over...why I don't know...he betrayed him as well...but i feel my parrot was trying to show him what "love" truly was...now feels he missed the mark, failed...wonders how he was abandoned... you can't explain to a parrot that "such is life"...people are weird...and how sorry I am he was taken advantage of as well...and I am not there to console him because that very same sociopath is why we are selling our home...I know you heard those promises but he had to go back...tried to explain Sociopath, the lack of empathy, the ease of lying like taking a breath...their deep insecurity...the power he felt twisting the knife...that if his own flesh and blood were on fire in front of him and save them he had to tell the truth his relative would perish...but I tell my parrot just keep sending him that love with your calls of his name...you have much more of a connection with this world around us than any human will ever have... all while packing our house, each day that 7 months he came and went all hours all excused and all that occurred making more sense...he earned and wears with false confidence his crown...I have to apologize to my sweet confused parrot for not leaving when I tried to commit suicide and Sociopath 11 fell asleep after I begged him to call 911 and just before hitting the kitchen floor...stayed in his desert retirement community 5 more days...but did send a photo of him out on his motorcycle...that was sweet...the next morning when I was throwing up in a bucket while on the phone with him crying "don't let me die"..."I have to all 911"..."my ears aren't working" he said NO you cannot...do you know what will happen to you? What will happen to me...then shared a story of a gun shooting exercise for work...guess what he does for a living!...and how an ear plug fell out and he couldn't hear for a few days...see being a sociopath him coming to my life when i was broken and begging for someone to "believe in"...pouring insecurity and weakness out my pours was a gift...day 3 I am sure he already had his hooks in me...knew it was wrong but so weak accepted it...said he didn't want to come home early...that he had already come home early for me...see taking away what little worth you had and rejecting all the love you wanted to give and feel...the lies he told you, the plans he shared...just weeks in setting the tone for me being "less than"...come on falling asleep instead of calling 911?...and I stayed? How sick was I...but he tends to gravitate to alcoholics...broken women...I tell my parrot this who by the way sat at the end of my bed while i sweat the bottle of aspirin and all that vodka from my system occasionally getting up to vomit black goo...nothing to drink in the house but tap water...and stayed when he returned...tried to get sober for this person...got worse...much worse....then got blamed for getting worse...now my fault...called a Buffoon...ignored, my anger unacceptable, my questions unanswered, the miscarrying of his child ignored...a thousand calls and e-mails ignored...the bleeding and pain left for me to feel alone...Sociopaths live to cause pain it covers what truly is a deep insecurity...maybe i should not write this but it is eating what is left of me...maybe releasing it and very few read this anyway it will allow me to find the strength to get up again tomorrow...now drained of adrenalin and begin using the fluids from my kidneys and liver to stay upright...keep packing...hoping bone marrow is in ok shape to take you to the end...of losing the house he promised 3 times to save with no intention of ever doing so...taking pride that each month more debt piled on...still the ever present fiance with a vice grip around his testicles and I stayed...until he had filled himself with my pain...chest puffed by his power...still professing to my 80 year old mother that I was the love of his life...if only i could get my shit together...yet ever blaming, ever blaming, ever blaming me...ever blaming anyone but himself...only between 3 to 5% of the population are true Sociopaths like this one...I loved two...I had better odds of winning the Mega Million Lottery...God bless the next woman...and God I have to ask why?...I survived...many women don't...I will move on...Sociopath one said "you will lose everything including your precious house"...Sociopath II made sure that happened...walked away all fault belonging to me...him innocent...knowing his plan was executed perfectly...small smirk...except I do wonder would he have cried had I died that night last December?...No he would not have...but his last words to me were "Don't hate me"...who then is sicker..more broken?
Here is the TRUTH to this and any unfortunate to love a Sociopath...it is not you...mine came with carrying deceit, a fiance, lies and an agenda...I came with nothing but belief and love...if it happens to you...you will do the same...they bring the toolbox of hate...you bring a heart and a belief in their words...but your GUT will know and try to warn you...mine did early...I beg you to listen...then RUN....
If you have ever broken - been broken, blamed, lied to, deceived, loved with all your heart two card carrying Sociopaths within 4 years - one is an experience that can take you half a life to get over - the last one had his fiance a few miles away - his succubus - I do not mean that negatively it is their chemistry - no one will break it - no matter how it was 30 years ago - now i watch as the parrot I love more than anything becomes confused, hides, loses weight and consistently calls the name of the last Sociopath in the most pathetic sad voice I have ever heard over and over...why I don't know...he betrayed him as well...but i feel my parrot was trying to show him what "love" truly was...now feels he missed the mark, failed...wonders how he was abandoned... you can't explain to a parrot that "such is life"...people are weird...and how sorry I am he was taken advantage of as well...and I am not there to console him because that very same sociopath is why we are selling our home...I know you heard those promises but he had to go back...tried to explain Sociopath, the lack of empathy, the ease of lying like taking a breath...their deep insecurity...the power he felt twisting the knife...that if his own flesh and blood were on fire in front of him and save them he had to tell the truth his relative would perish...but I tell my parrot just keep sending him that love with your calls of his name...you have much more of a connection with this world around us than any human will ever have... all while packing our house, each day that 7 months he came and went all hours all excused and all that occurred making more sense...he earned and wears with false confidence his crown...I have to apologize to my sweet confused parrot for not leaving when I tried to commit suicide and Sociopath 11 fell asleep after I begged him to call 911 and just before hitting the kitchen floor...stayed in his desert retirement community 5 more days...but did send a photo of him out on his motorcycle...that was sweet...the next morning when I was throwing up in a bucket while on the phone with him crying "don't let me die"..."I have to all 911"..."my ears aren't working" he said NO you cannot...do you know what will happen to you? What will happen to me...then shared a story of a gun shooting exercise for work...guess what he does for a living!...and how an ear plug fell out and he couldn't hear for a few days...see being a sociopath him coming to my life when i was broken and begging for someone to "believe in"...pouring insecurity and weakness out my pours was a gift...day 3 I am sure he already had his hooks in me...knew it was wrong but so weak accepted it...said he didn't want to come home early...that he had already come home early for me...see taking away what little worth you had and rejecting all the love you wanted to give and feel...the lies he told you, the plans he shared...just weeks in setting the tone for me being "less than"...come on falling asleep instead of calling 911?...and I stayed? How sick was I...but he tends to gravitate to alcoholics...broken women...I tell my parrot this who by the way sat at the end of my bed while i sweat the bottle of aspirin and all that vodka from my system occasionally getting up to vomit black goo...nothing to drink in the house but tap water...and stayed when he returned...tried to get sober for this person...got worse...much worse....then got blamed for getting worse...now my fault...called a Buffoon...ignored, my anger unacceptable, my questions unanswered, the miscarrying of his child ignored...a thousand calls and e-mails ignored...the bleeding and pain left for me to feel alone...Sociopaths live to cause pain it covers what truly is a deep insecurity...maybe i should not write this but it is eating what is left of me...maybe releasing it and very few read this anyway it will allow me to find the strength to get up again tomorrow...now drained of adrenalin and begin using the fluids from my kidneys and liver to stay upright...keep packing...hoping bone marrow is in ok shape to take you to the end...of losing the house he promised 3 times to save with no intention of ever doing so...taking pride that each month more debt piled on...still the ever present fiance with a vice grip around his testicles and I stayed...until he had filled himself with my pain...chest puffed by his power...still professing to my 80 year old mother that I was the love of his life...if only i could get my shit together...yet ever blaming, ever blaming, ever blaming me...ever blaming anyone but himself...only between 3 to 5% of the population are true Sociopaths like this one...I loved two...I had better odds of winning the Mega Million Lottery...God bless the next woman...and God I have to ask why?...I survived...many women don't...I will move on...Sociopath one said "you will lose everything including your precious house"...Sociopath II made sure that happened...walked away all fault belonging to me...him innocent...knowing his plan was executed perfectly...small smirk...except I do wonder would he have cried had I died that night last December?...No he would not have...but his last words to me were "Don't hate me"...who then is sicker..more broken?
Here is the TRUTH to this and any unfortunate to love a Sociopath...it is not you...mine came with carrying deceit, a fiance, lies and an agenda...I came with nothing but belief and love...if it happens to you...you will do the same...they bring the toolbox of hate...you bring a heart and a belief in their words...but your GUT will know and try to warn you...mine did early...I beg you to listen...then RUN....
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Countdown...
13 days left in the house...no home I have been in so long...today I had the opportunity to spend a little time with the husband half of the couple buying it...made things a bit easier for me since he loves the exact things about this house that I do...to be honest I have not made it easy to complete this transaction...there were promises made...sure i referenced those somewhere along the line...those promises made did not come to fruition...guess was wishing for a Hail Mary...but it didn't come...the only reason though that i even wanted a Hail Mary was because this house is so damn wonderful...but I made it that way...plus it does have great bones...great brick work...later in the day the wife half came for one of the quotes...Never one to shy away even after making an ass of myself I went to talk to them both...she immediately said she felt SO lucky to be able to buy this house...all bad feelings gone...all anger gone...all hate gone...that comment alone combined with the time her husband and I spoke and I watched him being a first time home buyer remembering back to when I was there...sharing stories...showing old pictures while he waited... making suggestions...feeling still connected for these last days...
Ok...so boring I know...here I will make it even worse...with all the crap I have gone through these last couple of years up until...Mr. I have loved you for 28 years, I'll loan you the money to save your house...blah, blah, blah...came and had a fiance on the side who owns his very soul...something of course i wasn't told nor was the therapist i took him to so he would KNOW me and what I had been through....funny that the alcoholic had to take these grown up steps...while the sober with responsible job was the liar...yikes...obviously still fighting this one...here is what i was getting to...I actually 'sold' the house 'did not lose the house'....should have been in foreclosure a year ago...either i am the luckiest homeowner or it was meant to be saved by me or it was meant to be sold...so it is sold...so i get to walk with money...when so many others don't...why me?...there must be something i am supposed to be doing on this planet...first and foremost...no more 'vampires'...thank you....not the movie version...the life version...I wiped your tears when you learned to cry held against my broken life and in arms that could not even hold myself any longer...I held you while you finally mourned your mother...me the alcoholic showed you that you were not made of stone (sorry to repeat this gotta get it out) yet you could turn on a dime and rip me to shreds, lie, deceive, confuse, degrade, attack...dang...gotta stop writing...it is going all back to him and I need that to end...come to terms with being a 'revenge pinata' for him...LOVE so far from the equation...be grateful...be grateful that so many new people have come...this is your test woman...can you let go?....can you see beauty in others and stop the obsessing over one of 7 billion people on the planet?....stop the cycle of abuse?....see yourself as others see you?...see yourself as you know you can be, have been and not give that fat *$!# another moment of your time?....can you break a lifetime habit?....this is the only reason he entered your life again...so take the opportunity to DO IT...."balls to the wall" right?....or as recently told...the only way it will end is to "know it has ended and tell yourself all day long"....ok...#468..."It is over, it never was"....#469..."It is over, it never was"....going to go pack my winter coats....
13 days left in the house...no home I have been in so long...today I had the opportunity to spend a little time with the husband half of the couple buying it...made things a bit easier for me since he loves the exact things about this house that I do...to be honest I have not made it easy to complete this transaction...there were promises made...sure i referenced those somewhere along the line...those promises made did not come to fruition...guess was wishing for a Hail Mary...but it didn't come...the only reason though that i even wanted a Hail Mary was because this house is so damn wonderful...but I made it that way...plus it does have great bones...great brick work...later in the day the wife half came for one of the quotes...Never one to shy away even after making an ass of myself I went to talk to them both...she immediately said she felt SO lucky to be able to buy this house...all bad feelings gone...all anger gone...all hate gone...that comment alone combined with the time her husband and I spoke and I watched him being a first time home buyer remembering back to when I was there...sharing stories...showing old pictures while he waited... making suggestions...feeling still connected for these last days...
Ok...so boring I know...here I will make it even worse...with all the crap I have gone through these last couple of years up until...Mr. I have loved you for 28 years, I'll loan you the money to save your house...blah, blah, blah...came and had a fiance on the side who owns his very soul...something of course i wasn't told nor was the therapist i took him to so he would KNOW me and what I had been through....funny that the alcoholic had to take these grown up steps...while the sober with responsible job was the liar...yikes...obviously still fighting this one...here is what i was getting to...I actually 'sold' the house 'did not lose the house'....should have been in foreclosure a year ago...either i am the luckiest homeowner or it was meant to be saved by me or it was meant to be sold...so it is sold...so i get to walk with money...when so many others don't...why me?...there must be something i am supposed to be doing on this planet...first and foremost...no more 'vampires'...thank you....not the movie version...the life version...I wiped your tears when you learned to cry held against my broken life and in arms that could not even hold myself any longer...I held you while you finally mourned your mother...me the alcoholic showed you that you were not made of stone (sorry to repeat this gotta get it out) yet you could turn on a dime and rip me to shreds, lie, deceive, confuse, degrade, attack...dang...gotta stop writing...it is going all back to him and I need that to end...come to terms with being a 'revenge pinata' for him...LOVE so far from the equation...be grateful...be grateful that so many new people have come...this is your test woman...can you let go?....can you see beauty in others and stop the obsessing over one of 7 billion people on the planet?....stop the cycle of abuse?....see yourself as others see you?...see yourself as you know you can be, have been and not give that fat *$!# another moment of your time?....can you break a lifetime habit?....this is the only reason he entered your life again...so take the opportunity to DO IT...."balls to the wall" right?....or as recently told...the only way it will end is to "know it has ended and tell yourself all day long"....ok...#468..."It is over, it never was"....#469..."It is over, it never was"....going to go pack my winter coats....
Friday, June 8, 2012
Friends -
There are so many quotes regarding "friendship" out there...years ago my store was filled with uplifting quotes in every type from magnets to 36" wooden signs for the wall...the friendship ones always seemed to not ring true...except the one that read something like "a friend will pick you up from jail but your best friend will be sitting next to you saying...that was amazing"...or something close...I have not had many women friends in this life...I can share many reasons as to why...trust, not getting them, jealousy...ok here is where I actually have to say something "ego-ish" about myself so I will just jump in...most women friends going back to high school have had 'issues' with me...not having the same "boy crazy" goals as they did I exuded a more comfortable vibe for boys that continues into 'men'...I am not 'searching' so there is a comfort level in that for the opposite sex...never looked at it as anything more than there may be some pheramone produced by "wanting" that makes boys/men naturally turn on some "power" trip thing...if you aren't exuding that they feel more comfortable with you...see you just wanting to have fun...being out...talk to every and anyone..."friends" don't like that...but it is like "how do I be anyone but myself?"...just for you and that things aren't working out the way you planned..."did i not make the effort to stop and take him over and introduce him to you?"...but still the silent treatment on the drive home....
Now I find myself all these years later still that way...or can be when in right frame of mind or let me just be honest "not in pissed off alcoholic mode"...pushing in on half a century...yet all of a sudden I am meeting women who are not like that...they talk of the 'friendship of women' and all of a sudden i can relate...they speak of the same things that perplex me...they only want to help...they desire to support you..all the competition is gone...they are comfortable in their skin as I always was and hope to be again soon...ironically it was men who tore the large healing chunks off me...funny after writing the above right? Just the last 2...totaling almost 3 years down for me...not bad...but back to women friends...being of this age I find myself with mad respect for a lot of the women i am meeting...they are strong, fearless, independent plus they support each other all the competition gone...they have outgrown it...life has given them so many experiences that they no longer feel the need to add that or have found their man or have then lost him or have never found him or have been hurt by them...that i think being the true connecting factor...and all of a sudden we are not strangers to each other...we have WAR stories to tell and we see the absurdity of it...no longer give a shit...chalk it up...have fallen, gotten up and started over...and we help each other do so...it has been truly eye opening to meet these women but life has always had my back when I pay attention and realize...just wrote someone and realized I have lead 8 completely different lives so far...2 weeks from now life 9 begins...in earnest...knew this one was the freight train of chapters...must be why i fought tooth and nail on some level not to face it...this is my trial by fire chapter...to some a child's game...others overwhelming...tragic...to me 50/50 fear and excitement...want to get that number to 20/80 fear and excitement. Took a huge leap tonight writing with complete honesty to my past and saying goodbye, good luck, finally marry her, thank you, wish for you, hope you have, remember, you were, this sucked, done, respect, would have been nice to have one real conversation, this is why....to one who may just end up being the motivator to "go already"...hope so...otherwise the pantry kiss would mean nothing......
There are so many quotes regarding "friendship" out there...years ago my store was filled with uplifting quotes in every type from magnets to 36" wooden signs for the wall...the friendship ones always seemed to not ring true...except the one that read something like "a friend will pick you up from jail but your best friend will be sitting next to you saying...that was amazing"...or something close...I have not had many women friends in this life...I can share many reasons as to why...trust, not getting them, jealousy...ok here is where I actually have to say something "ego-ish" about myself so I will just jump in...most women friends going back to high school have had 'issues' with me...not having the same "boy crazy" goals as they did I exuded a more comfortable vibe for boys that continues into 'men'...I am not 'searching' so there is a comfort level in that for the opposite sex...never looked at it as anything more than there may be some pheramone produced by "wanting" that makes boys/men naturally turn on some "power" trip thing...if you aren't exuding that they feel more comfortable with you...see you just wanting to have fun...being out...talk to every and anyone..."friends" don't like that...but it is like "how do I be anyone but myself?"...just for you and that things aren't working out the way you planned..."did i not make the effort to stop and take him over and introduce him to you?"...but still the silent treatment on the drive home....
Now I find myself all these years later still that way...or can be when in right frame of mind or let me just be honest "not in pissed off alcoholic mode"...pushing in on half a century...yet all of a sudden I am meeting women who are not like that...they talk of the 'friendship of women' and all of a sudden i can relate...they speak of the same things that perplex me...they only want to help...they desire to support you..all the competition is gone...they are comfortable in their skin as I always was and hope to be again soon...ironically it was men who tore the large healing chunks off me...funny after writing the above right? Just the last 2...totaling almost 3 years down for me...not bad...but back to women friends...being of this age I find myself with mad respect for a lot of the women i am meeting...they are strong, fearless, independent plus they support each other all the competition gone...they have outgrown it...life has given them so many experiences that they no longer feel the need to add that or have found their man or have then lost him or have never found him or have been hurt by them...that i think being the true connecting factor...and all of a sudden we are not strangers to each other...we have WAR stories to tell and we see the absurdity of it...no longer give a shit...chalk it up...have fallen, gotten up and started over...and we help each other do so...it has been truly eye opening to meet these women but life has always had my back when I pay attention and realize...just wrote someone and realized I have lead 8 completely different lives so far...2 weeks from now life 9 begins...in earnest...knew this one was the freight train of chapters...must be why i fought tooth and nail on some level not to face it...this is my trial by fire chapter...to some a child's game...others overwhelming...tragic...to me 50/50 fear and excitement...want to get that number to 20/80 fear and excitement. Took a huge leap tonight writing with complete honesty to my past and saying goodbye, good luck, finally marry her, thank you, wish for you, hope you have, remember, you were, this sucked, done, respect, would have been nice to have one real conversation, this is why....to one who may just end up being the motivator to "go already"...hope so...otherwise the pantry kiss would mean nothing......
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
In Love With Creation....
I have found myself in this world where what i love to do is part a community...a word I have written before has been in my mind before I fell into hell...these people who are that community...it thrills me to see people...mostly women and one man...creating from the heart and sharing themselves so openly...again I am the "featured artist" at a store with a collection of "artistic types"...while i was mired in self pity they were going forward with what i thought of 3 years ago...and by the sheer grace of God I am included...find myself doing what I do best "take beautiful things and put them together in a way that shows off their beauty"....it is my gift...a gift that is driving me towards as my friend said "on the verge of something huge"...sharing ideas...seeing the vision of another...telling them to "have no fear" when they admire the way I can paint something...some of these people are in a universe of their own yet they admire what I do...and in turn I admire what they do...think they are so much better than I am yet they stop and admire what I do...and what comes from my heart...what comes from me looking at something and seeing beauty where others see trash...that comment right there also encompasses the way I look at people as a whole...part being a Libra...part being the product of such cruelty...seeing people at their ugliest...the people who you are to trust the most...people who know just the right words to say at just the right time...yet the words are ugly and empty in the end...then I see someone "true of heart"...no matter their status in life...their income...homeless...successful by society terms...been hurt so deeply they can't let go and a bit of my heart heals because I can relate...I can listen...I can give when I think there is no more to give...in return i feel lighter...safer...more confident...more connected...in the end we are all searching...
Creating...as I do...saved my life...it was not a person...it was the sheer act of making something beautiful from something ugly that saved my life...and in that I see so clearly that I have to leave all my ugliness behind...the darkness I have seen, heard, been the "whipping boy" of and just create...create myself...give to those that are on the same life plane as myself...for the last 3 days I have been immersed in these people...being given the front and center space I am visited by everyone as I set up what I do...each day I say "have no fear"...those words are sinking in... today a woman came in with a piece of furniture she painted and she told me I just heard you say..."NO FEAR"...and I did it...is there anything better in life than to build someone up? Is there anything worse than to tear them down?
Deep in alcoholism...I tore at people...in hopes I would feel better...forgetting everything I loved about life...I am so deeply sorry...I will repeat this over and over until I forgive myself...life has a way of giving you a second chance...have the courage to recognize it...it will fade, grow, overwhelm, seem to die and old ways and people will want to sneak back in during those cracks...but with courage you will not let them...paths open before us...it is up to us to step on and use our "grown up" words...no half truths...and move on...close a door...let go of the familiar because sometimes the familiar is awful yet we can still be comfortable there knowing just how it will go...how it will feel...how it will end...the part we will play in it...victim, power grabber, liar, controller, "player", poor sad me...but, but, but look at what he/she did...in times like those I am forever grateful to "create"....in all ways...
Someone sent this -
Just say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't expect someone to read your mind and don't play games with heads and hearts. Don't tell half truths and expect trust when the full truth comes out. Half truths are no better than lies. Don't be cold to someone you care about, cause indifference hurts more than angry words.
My take...anyone who shuts you out when you are reaching out and can't/won't use their "grown up" words or chooses silence is NOT WORTH A MOMENT MORE OF YOUR LIFE......
I have found myself in this world where what i love to do is part a community...a word I have written before has been in my mind before I fell into hell...these people who are that community...it thrills me to see people...mostly women and one man...creating from the heart and sharing themselves so openly...again I am the "featured artist" at a store with a collection of "artistic types"...while i was mired in self pity they were going forward with what i thought of 3 years ago...and by the sheer grace of God I am included...find myself doing what I do best "take beautiful things and put them together in a way that shows off their beauty"....it is my gift...a gift that is driving me towards as my friend said "on the verge of something huge"...sharing ideas...seeing the vision of another...telling them to "have no fear" when they admire the way I can paint something...some of these people are in a universe of their own yet they admire what I do...and in turn I admire what they do...think they are so much better than I am yet they stop and admire what I do...and what comes from my heart...what comes from me looking at something and seeing beauty where others see trash...that comment right there also encompasses the way I look at people as a whole...part being a Libra...part being the product of such cruelty...seeing people at their ugliest...the people who you are to trust the most...people who know just the right words to say at just the right time...yet the words are ugly and empty in the end...then I see someone "true of heart"...no matter their status in life...their income...homeless...successful by society terms...been hurt so deeply they can't let go and a bit of my heart heals because I can relate...I can listen...I can give when I think there is no more to give...in return i feel lighter...safer...more confident...more connected...in the end we are all searching...
Creating...as I do...saved my life...it was not a person...it was the sheer act of making something beautiful from something ugly that saved my life...and in that I see so clearly that I have to leave all my ugliness behind...the darkness I have seen, heard, been the "whipping boy" of and just create...create myself...give to those that are on the same life plane as myself...for the last 3 days I have been immersed in these people...being given the front and center space I am visited by everyone as I set up what I do...each day I say "have no fear"...those words are sinking in... today a woman came in with a piece of furniture she painted and she told me I just heard you say..."NO FEAR"...and I did it...is there anything better in life than to build someone up? Is there anything worse than to tear them down?
Deep in alcoholism...I tore at people...in hopes I would feel better...forgetting everything I loved about life...I am so deeply sorry...I will repeat this over and over until I forgive myself...life has a way of giving you a second chance...have the courage to recognize it...it will fade, grow, overwhelm, seem to die and old ways and people will want to sneak back in during those cracks...but with courage you will not let them...paths open before us...it is up to us to step on and use our "grown up" words...no half truths...and move on...close a door...let go of the familiar because sometimes the familiar is awful yet we can still be comfortable there knowing just how it will go...how it will feel...how it will end...the part we will play in it...victim, power grabber, liar, controller, "player", poor sad me...but, but, but look at what he/she did...in times like those I am forever grateful to "create"....in all ways...
Someone sent this -
Just say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't expect someone to read your mind and don't play games with heads and hearts. Don't tell half truths and expect trust when the full truth comes out. Half truths are no better than lies. Don't be cold to someone you care about, cause indifference hurts more than angry words.
My take...anyone who shuts you out when you are reaching out and can't/won't use their "grown up" words or chooses silence is NOT WORTH A MOMENT MORE OF YOUR LIFE......
Sunday, June 3, 2012
My Tribe...
Some people come, some come and go quickly, some stay and some you know are always there...each has their role for both sides...tonight one of my dearest, most connected to....yet don't see all the time but know he is always there....popped into my head...sent text...he had been thinking of me today (yesterday) as well. He has a fast motorcycle and I thought after a hard day wouldn't it be nice to take it out...we did...you know that scene in Star Trek where they reach 'warp speed' and the stars are flying past leaving trails? That was how it felt on one straight away...over to Santa Cruz...my Ipod playing under the helmet...weaving in and out of traffic...felt like 'pure freedom'....I have no fear of riding on the back of a motorcycle...in fact LOVE it...fast, slow...meandering...went to the ocean...sat under an almost full moon in the company of someone who makes me feel 'calm' which is no small feat for me or someone else...he is part of my 'tribe'...those that forgive, don't take things personally, don't seek revenge, call you "crazy" when you are acting it but are not cruel about it...hug you when you need it...listen when you want to talk...know that you are not necessarily seeking answers, just an ear...and you would do the exact same for them...have "aha" moments with...they aren't afraid of your secrets and you aren't afraid of theirs...he used the word 'empathy' tonight...a word i have used a lot recently...but mostly in the form of 'so and so lacks empathy'...without empathy you are missing 98% of life...things like that...slowly I am rebuilding my tribe...and from them I will both learn and re-learn parts of myself that I have forgotten or have numbed into almost non existence...I am constantly blessed and reminded to have gratitude...I hope like hell that he can get away to meet me at the pyramids when I get there...he has always like me...wanted to see them...stand next to them...experience the magnitude of their size which anyone who has gone tells me is what blew them away first...television just can't capture how huge they are...the blocks alone...I love re-finding people you love just as they are and they do the same right back at you...thank you my friend for tonight...it was perfect...
My mother had left a message while we were gone...a beautiful message reminding me that even though we have not been close...she wanted me to know I am not alone in all the change I am going through...though she lives half way across the country wanted me to know I am not alone in all this change that as exciting as it is to begin has its' pains and heartaches as well...she is part of my tribe...and not just because she is my mother...talk about learn and relearn...we have had many bouts of that to love one another being so different from each other...yet so similar...every daughters nightmare...I made a promise to myself tonight to not listen any longer to those who say..."but she wasn't there for you..."she didn't for you this or that"...."she never"...usually when I am thinking selflessly and want to help her....or so that I don't reach a hand out to her and instead exact some sort of revenge...always against what my heart says...and instead look at her as the product of her own mother who was the product of hers on back through time...if I don't change the pattern who will? But, not having children myself I can only pass it on to my tribe...recently someone said to me "Let's just be nicer to one another."...so simple and so right on...
I am not a young woman any longer...my heart is still mending from the person I thought was "My One"...but each day my little tribe grows...with them and time my heart will heal..."I'll just be nicer to everyone"...seems a good place to start...
Some people come, some come and go quickly, some stay and some you know are always there...each has their role for both sides...tonight one of my dearest, most connected to....yet don't see all the time but know he is always there....popped into my head...sent text...he had been thinking of me today (yesterday) as well. He has a fast motorcycle and I thought after a hard day wouldn't it be nice to take it out...we did...you know that scene in Star Trek where they reach 'warp speed' and the stars are flying past leaving trails? That was how it felt on one straight away...over to Santa Cruz...my Ipod playing under the helmet...weaving in and out of traffic...felt like 'pure freedom'....I have no fear of riding on the back of a motorcycle...in fact LOVE it...fast, slow...meandering...went to the ocean...sat under an almost full moon in the company of someone who makes me feel 'calm' which is no small feat for me or someone else...he is part of my 'tribe'...those that forgive, don't take things personally, don't seek revenge, call you "crazy" when you are acting it but are not cruel about it...hug you when you need it...listen when you want to talk...know that you are not necessarily seeking answers, just an ear...and you would do the exact same for them...have "aha" moments with...they aren't afraid of your secrets and you aren't afraid of theirs...he used the word 'empathy' tonight...a word i have used a lot recently...but mostly in the form of 'so and so lacks empathy'...without empathy you are missing 98% of life...things like that...slowly I am rebuilding my tribe...and from them I will both learn and re-learn parts of myself that I have forgotten or have numbed into almost non existence...I am constantly blessed and reminded to have gratitude...I hope like hell that he can get away to meet me at the pyramids when I get there...he has always like me...wanted to see them...stand next to them...experience the magnitude of their size which anyone who has gone tells me is what blew them away first...television just can't capture how huge they are...the blocks alone...I love re-finding people you love just as they are and they do the same right back at you...thank you my friend for tonight...it was perfect...
My mother had left a message while we were gone...a beautiful message reminding me that even though we have not been close...she wanted me to know I am not alone in all the change I am going through...though she lives half way across the country wanted me to know I am not alone in all this change that as exciting as it is to begin has its' pains and heartaches as well...she is part of my tribe...and not just because she is my mother...talk about learn and relearn...we have had many bouts of that to love one another being so different from each other...yet so similar...every daughters nightmare...I made a promise to myself tonight to not listen any longer to those who say..."but she wasn't there for you..."she didn't for you this or that"...."she never"...usually when I am thinking selflessly and want to help her....or so that I don't reach a hand out to her and instead exact some sort of revenge...always against what my heart says...and instead look at her as the product of her own mother who was the product of hers on back through time...if I don't change the pattern who will? But, not having children myself I can only pass it on to my tribe...recently someone said to me "Let's just be nicer to one another."...so simple and so right on...
I am not a young woman any longer...my heart is still mending from the person I thought was "My One"...but each day my little tribe grows...with them and time my heart will heal..."I'll just be nicer to everyone"...seems a good place to start...
Friday, June 1, 2012
Hate Feeling Hate...
I have never been able to hold 'hateful' feelings towards anyone...believe me my life has had its' fair share of people I should...child abusers, landlords, Sociopath ex who held a gun to my head and intentionally blew out my knee, a sexual predator of a boss...but until now I could let them go...when my life was 'on track'...I could pull from something inside and let it go...let it go in the 'knowing' that something better was always coming...and it always did...I had the capacity to look at them clearly...see them clearly...forgive...move on...but everything is easier when your life is over all better than worse. Someone once said to me about a completely different subject that "when like is clicking it is far easier to cast aside the negative"..."when you have nothing or have lost everything or life has thrown you onto the tracks...there is precious little to pull from"..."you are in uncharted territory"...
So it got me thinking...when you have...and I am no innocent victim to where my life is now...lost what made you, "you"...and you add alcohol...something you never had an issue with before then the sips become shots and the shots become bottles tunnel vision becomes all consuming...like a bad song playing over and over in your head...maybe would not have been so bad had we not had history...maybe not so bad if you were not trained to lie by the profession you chose...saw a struggling 'love of your life'...your words, not mine...could recite events of 28 years ago to the day...said didn't go 3 days without a thought of me over that time...yet still could lie as easily as you breathe...reached out with 3 monumental offers of help only to pull back your hand I was reaching for and believed in to hear you say....Just Kidding, can't, won't, whatever....I digress...this is about me...you are gone...
So, I ask myself...is it truly hate for that person who promised the world, to 'help' you, to 'love' you but had a dark little secret of his own only now from where I stand? Am I hating that I can't let go and know something better is coming as it always had?...Is it ME that I am so mad at today? I'd have to say both...I will take the lions share but no mister man you do not get off scott free...again...you are gone...see how I am in this loop or vortex as I call them?
Did you open up deep wounds that never truly healed...yet to their credit were part of why I have experienced some level of achievement in this world per say...as a child I was always "the watcher"...the youngest of 3 and by 8 years...drug addicts, speed freaks, narcissist family members who by 8 I knew I wanted to be nothing like...so I set out not to be...I was head strong...confident...my awkward years (the teens)...not so clear but by 20 my inner NOPE was set..."not right gotta go now"... later headed down the seeking of a 'spiritual' path that lasted 12 years plus...I flowed much more smoothly...ok some co-dependency...helped others maybe a bit too much...but I couldn't help seeing who they were...and our interactions were usually short and sweet...
Is it truly hate I have or as I stand at the abyss or jumping off point into the 'free fall' am I going through something natural?...is it hate?...or is it fear?...or is it just sadness and disappointment?...I always say I may be struggling with addiction but I am far from stupid...I stand by that...stupid (unwise - let's call them want to be less hard on myself) words, decisions, actions due to the addiction but still have a very finely tuned ability to see clearly...something I had to learn very young or was born with...slight inflections, one different word in the same story being told again...a family of liars I guess...self protection to see "it" coming and get out of the way...a strong gut that screams, tightens and flips..my gut turned inside out very early with you...I stayed and endured the worst pain of my life...again I digress...
Well, I guess in the end...not so sure it is hate after all...thank goodness...more a goulash of...main ingredient to remove?...the crutch...the alcohol...coming soon...
I have never been able to hold 'hateful' feelings towards anyone...believe me my life has had its' fair share of people I should...child abusers, landlords, Sociopath ex who held a gun to my head and intentionally blew out my knee, a sexual predator of a boss...but until now I could let them go...when my life was 'on track'...I could pull from something inside and let it go...let it go in the 'knowing' that something better was always coming...and it always did...I had the capacity to look at them clearly...see them clearly...forgive...move on...but everything is easier when your life is over all better than worse. Someone once said to me about a completely different subject that "when like is clicking it is far easier to cast aside the negative"..."when you have nothing or have lost everything or life has thrown you onto the tracks...there is precious little to pull from"..."you are in uncharted territory"...
So it got me thinking...when you have...and I am no innocent victim to where my life is now...lost what made you, "you"...and you add alcohol...something you never had an issue with before then the sips become shots and the shots become bottles tunnel vision becomes all consuming...like a bad song playing over and over in your head...maybe would not have been so bad had we not had history...maybe not so bad if you were not trained to lie by the profession you chose...saw a struggling 'love of your life'...your words, not mine...could recite events of 28 years ago to the day...said didn't go 3 days without a thought of me over that time...yet still could lie as easily as you breathe...reached out with 3 monumental offers of help only to pull back your hand I was reaching for and believed in to hear you say....Just Kidding, can't, won't, whatever....I digress...this is about me...you are gone...
So, I ask myself...is it truly hate for that person who promised the world, to 'help' you, to 'love' you but had a dark little secret of his own only now from where I stand? Am I hating that I can't let go and know something better is coming as it always had?...Is it ME that I am so mad at today? I'd have to say both...I will take the lions share but no mister man you do not get off scott free...again...you are gone...see how I am in this loop or vortex as I call them?
Did you open up deep wounds that never truly healed...yet to their credit were part of why I have experienced some level of achievement in this world per say...as a child I was always "the watcher"...the youngest of 3 and by 8 years...drug addicts, speed freaks, narcissist family members who by 8 I knew I wanted to be nothing like...so I set out not to be...I was head strong...confident...my awkward years (the teens)...not so clear but by 20 my inner NOPE was set..."not right gotta go now"... later headed down the seeking of a 'spiritual' path that lasted 12 years plus...I flowed much more smoothly...ok some co-dependency...helped others maybe a bit too much...but I couldn't help seeing who they were...and our interactions were usually short and sweet...
Is it truly hate I have or as I stand at the abyss or jumping off point into the 'free fall' am I going through something natural?...is it hate?...or is it fear?...or is it just sadness and disappointment?...I always say I may be struggling with addiction but I am far from stupid...I stand by that...stupid (unwise - let's call them want to be less hard on myself) words, decisions, actions due to the addiction but still have a very finely tuned ability to see clearly...something I had to learn very young or was born with...slight inflections, one different word in the same story being told again...a family of liars I guess...self protection to see "it" coming and get out of the way...a strong gut that screams, tightens and flips..my gut turned inside out very early with you...I stayed and endured the worst pain of my life...again I digress...
Well, I guess in the end...not so sure it is hate after all...thank goodness...more a goulash of...main ingredient to remove?...the crutch...the alcohol...coming soon...
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Need to Write...
Don't even have a subject today to write about...except the feeling that I need to go out on the driveway and create something...woke up at 4am...in one of my can't sleep stages...what does normal feel like?...been so long I can't remember...but again is that the normal I want to feel again?...not really...my poor parrot Jake is probably getting a birdy ulcer from all this...got a message recently from a "psychic healer" I used to see when I had money...she said the world is opening up for me...my life would have been better off all along had I never married, stayed away from committed relationships, my life has been designed to be solitary in many ways yet I have wasted most of it "searching"...and she is right...so what do I learn from that?....the same thing I have said but not lived...should I fall in love again...2 houses...or house with separate out building on same property...horses...space to breathe...time away to be me...time for you to be you...knowing that we are together...that should we be out and our eyes meet we "KNOW"....and there is no question that it is "you and I"....I will never be 'normal' and I accept that...I just want to be strong...
Don't even have a subject today to write about...except the feeling that I need to go out on the driveway and create something...woke up at 4am...in one of my can't sleep stages...what does normal feel like?...been so long I can't remember...but again is that the normal I want to feel again?...not really...my poor parrot Jake is probably getting a birdy ulcer from all this...got a message recently from a "psychic healer" I used to see when I had money...she said the world is opening up for me...my life would have been better off all along had I never married, stayed away from committed relationships, my life has been designed to be solitary in many ways yet I have wasted most of it "searching"...and she is right...so what do I learn from that?....the same thing I have said but not lived...should I fall in love again...2 houses...or house with separate out building on same property...horses...space to breathe...time away to be me...time for you to be you...knowing that we are together...that should we be out and our eyes meet we "KNOW"....and there is no question that it is "you and I"....I will never be 'normal' and I accept that...I just want to be strong...
Friday, May 25, 2012
Here We Go..........
I have to consider myself lucky...there is a couple so in love with the home I created here that they are willing to take the all the repairs on...offer much more than on market for...they "love the feel of the house"....to me that is like winning the lottery would be for someone else...you can feel what I did here...they spent the better part of a Saturday here when they were to be attending other open houses...they have gone over the place with a fine tooth comb...every inspection you can order...and they want to give the old girl the next level of love she needs...I took her from a 'diamond in the rough' to what it feels like today...now they get to add their touch and have the moola to get her a new roof, paint, repairs I let slip all the years on my own with my own store and taking off every weekend to Santa Cruz. He's from the UK and she's from here...he hates shake roofing...the neighbors are NOT going to like that...but I tell them what can I do? Look at the garden...it rocks...best looking house on the street...can't tell them what to do...but I can tell you this...they obviously love it so it won't become a box store make over house...like across the street with the foam filled window moulding, spray on stucco siding, grecian columns and torn down 70 year old fireplace...you haven't lived here long enough to know what that house looked like but it wasn't that...the grape stake fence that took me and my ex 4 hours to pick and choose and carefully place to complete what is 20' total but looks like it has been there since 1941 when the house was built will hopefully stay as well as the arbor over the driveway...she will just get a driveway refinish...don't know if I will have the guts to come back and see her later...will most likely drive away and that will be that...but I am a curious person...who knows...but I have seen other neighbors come back and be heartbroken...best to close the chapter completely...this is weird, this is hard, this is painful and at the same time this is liberating...exciting...pushing me to change...take risks bigger than ever...and I have always loved a good risk...
You've been so good to me...hard at times to hold on to...others very easy...many partners have come and gone through here...different energies...good and bad...but you were always mine with your Wedgewood stove, your vintage-ness I refused to change...the rounded cabinets...the breeze I could always count on in the afternoon the came through the front windows to the back sunroom that is amazing to be in when it rains due to the metal roof...the random plank flooring we found after using the carpet that was here 23 years ago...a shade of green that appears no where in nature...that late afternoon when after using the carpet as a drop cloth for the painting we did we said "let's see what is under this"...the wood just glowed...now you are not mine...I am off to create myself and then create another home one day...I will miss and always love you...first little house of mine...sorry I did not paint you recently or put that new roof on, seal your driveway...but I always planted in your soil, kept you clean, kept the lighting perfect...loved you...that has to count for something...
I have to consider myself lucky...there is a couple so in love with the home I created here that they are willing to take the all the repairs on...offer much more than on market for...they "love the feel of the house"....to me that is like winning the lottery would be for someone else...you can feel what I did here...they spent the better part of a Saturday here when they were to be attending other open houses...they have gone over the place with a fine tooth comb...every inspection you can order...and they want to give the old girl the next level of love she needs...I took her from a 'diamond in the rough' to what it feels like today...now they get to add their touch and have the moola to get her a new roof, paint, repairs I let slip all the years on my own with my own store and taking off every weekend to Santa Cruz. He's from the UK and she's from here...he hates shake roofing...the neighbors are NOT going to like that...but I tell them what can I do? Look at the garden...it rocks...best looking house on the street...can't tell them what to do...but I can tell you this...they obviously love it so it won't become a box store make over house...like across the street with the foam filled window moulding, spray on stucco siding, grecian columns and torn down 70 year old fireplace...you haven't lived here long enough to know what that house looked like but it wasn't that...the grape stake fence that took me and my ex 4 hours to pick and choose and carefully place to complete what is 20' total but looks like it has been there since 1941 when the house was built will hopefully stay as well as the arbor over the driveway...she will just get a driveway refinish...don't know if I will have the guts to come back and see her later...will most likely drive away and that will be that...but I am a curious person...who knows...but I have seen other neighbors come back and be heartbroken...best to close the chapter completely...this is weird, this is hard, this is painful and at the same time this is liberating...exciting...pushing me to change...take risks bigger than ever...and I have always loved a good risk...
You've been so good to me...hard at times to hold on to...others very easy...many partners have come and gone through here...different energies...good and bad...but you were always mine with your Wedgewood stove, your vintage-ness I refused to change...the rounded cabinets...the breeze I could always count on in the afternoon the came through the front windows to the back sunroom that is amazing to be in when it rains due to the metal roof...the random plank flooring we found after using the carpet that was here 23 years ago...a shade of green that appears no where in nature...that late afternoon when after using the carpet as a drop cloth for the painting we did we said "let's see what is under this"...the wood just glowed...now you are not mine...I am off to create myself and then create another home one day...I will miss and always love you...first little house of mine...sorry I did not paint you recently or put that new roof on, seal your driveway...but I always planted in your soil, kept you clean, kept the lighting perfect...loved you...that has to count for something...
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Thought I was Losing My Home....
In fact I am gaining myself...I heard others say this...that they were "happier"...I could not let myself buy into it...my home...my creation was still too much a part of me...yet my heart, gut, head knew in some way it was holding on to a chapter that ended...it was the last link to that time...even though I can open any journal and find a sentence that states..."sell the house...travel"...I guess the universe said..."well, you aren't doing it but you are and have been putting it out there...so guess we'll take it from here"....so glad it did...
Thank you to my agent who I asked "why have you stuck around for all this?"...I am a Libra...I can rage...I can turn inside out...I can flip on a dime...she has seen the very worst I can be...she said "she didn't know why....but she kind of likes me"...that made me laugh...to me she a guardian angel...maybe because she has gone through the seriousness of life and lived to tell about it...but I have endless gratitude for her...her time...her 'calling me out on my *#!@'....the end is coming of a long era...or chapter...one I let happen...lost myself in...turning this way and that...like that kids book....Are you my Mother?...the little chick looking for his mom...looking to be saved...seeping desperation...it has all changed...more correctly is all changing...yet just the other day I took a leap...the biggest since I said "I hate my job" and opened my own store...I surrendered...I gave up what I had become addicted to...pain and self pity...gave up people I had put my hopes and dreams in...one very painful one indeed...but know it is the only choice...there comes a day when you either turn the page or you close the book...(not mine)...now a the new chapter I saw coming 2 years ago can begin...on faith and the rising real estate market...
I now put myself in my own capable hands...confident that each day...as it has been I will grow more comfortable again in my own skin...see more clearly around me...embrace my creativity...and BE the strength everyone says they see in me....even more so...learn to trust...learn again to love...
For the many who supported, sent love, good thoughts, hopes and prayers for me from afar...THANK YOU...the fire that caused the rage is fading...the fear that caused the anger is being replaced with my 'knowing' no one walks this life without a bruise or two...I remember once knowing that...forgive me for hurting you, my vile words, my blackout rages...some directly and others hurt by having to watch me destroy myself...
Part of me that has become accustom to what I carried around every minute of every day for almost 2 years likes to pop up and say "But wait...he did...she did...they said...but i can't find it in me to hold on to resent for where i went...only deep gratitude I am coming out...and the prayer those who can forgive will...even if it from afar...
In fact I am gaining myself...I heard others say this...that they were "happier"...I could not let myself buy into it...my home...my creation was still too much a part of me...yet my heart, gut, head knew in some way it was holding on to a chapter that ended...it was the last link to that time...even though I can open any journal and find a sentence that states..."sell the house...travel"...I guess the universe said..."well, you aren't doing it but you are and have been putting it out there...so guess we'll take it from here"....so glad it did...
Thank you to my agent who I asked "why have you stuck around for all this?"...I am a Libra...I can rage...I can turn inside out...I can flip on a dime...she has seen the very worst I can be...she said "she didn't know why....but she kind of likes me"...that made me laugh...to me she a guardian angel...maybe because she has gone through the seriousness of life and lived to tell about it...but I have endless gratitude for her...her time...her 'calling me out on my *#!@'....the end is coming of a long era...or chapter...one I let happen...lost myself in...turning this way and that...like that kids book....Are you my Mother?...the little chick looking for his mom...looking to be saved...seeping desperation...it has all changed...more correctly is all changing...yet just the other day I took a leap...the biggest since I said "I hate my job" and opened my own store...I surrendered...I gave up what I had become addicted to...pain and self pity...gave up people I had put my hopes and dreams in...one very painful one indeed...but know it is the only choice...there comes a day when you either turn the page or you close the book...(not mine)...now a the new chapter I saw coming 2 years ago can begin...on faith and the rising real estate market...
I now put myself in my own capable hands...confident that each day...as it has been I will grow more comfortable again in my own skin...see more clearly around me...embrace my creativity...and BE the strength everyone says they see in me....even more so...learn to trust...learn again to love...
For the many who supported, sent love, good thoughts, hopes and prayers for me from afar...THANK YOU...the fire that caused the rage is fading...the fear that caused the anger is being replaced with my 'knowing' no one walks this life without a bruise or two...I remember once knowing that...forgive me for hurting you, my vile words, my blackout rages...some directly and others hurt by having to watch me destroy myself...
Part of me that has become accustom to what I carried around every minute of every day for almost 2 years likes to pop up and say "But wait...he did...she did...they said...but i can't find it in me to hold on to resent for where i went...only deep gratitude I am coming out...and the prayer those who can forgive will...even if it from afar...
Monday, May 21, 2012
Near Tango with Out of Control Mini Van -
So, yesterday at one of the many flea markets I attend a speeding driver hopped the curb, ran down 6 metal temporary guard rails and headed straight for me. If you have ever heard metal hitting metal like in a car accident...it is a terrifying sound...I could not get out of the way...to the left was furniture I could not have gotten over in time...all I could do was jump forward and literally wrap myself around the Sycamore tree his front right side was heading straight for..rails which were hooked together were being pushed in and right behind me was where two were connected...he rode the outside of them...in moments like that where time is instants...you see no out...you surrender...I closed my eyes and held that tree...not thinking of "what is next"..."he is going to hit me"..."will I die?"..."will it hurt?"...I did not hear the people who later told me they screamed assuming they were going to witness me getting hit...
Miraculously he corrected back left...leaving the rails pushed within 16" of my back...the wonderful women and men who came to me had to unwrap me from the tree...I remember that all the loose bark where I had been holding on was rubbed off and the tree was so smooth just where my body had been...all the bark pcs on the front of my shirt and jeans...I heard "I got part of the license plate", "let me get you water" and being led to sit on the grass around the other side of the tree where a sweet woman peeled me a delicious orange. Having very good blood pressure my heart rate calmed pretty fast...the hubbub went on around me people comparing the plate number they saw, the color of the van and that he had a woman in the passenger seat that never changed her expression and looked straight forward the entire time...there were children in the back...that he did not stop and continued his careening drive down the street and out of site.
Shortly thereafter i got up...walked back to my booth and that is when by the drag marks of the rail feet and the tire mark in the gravel we were on how close he had come...noticed the 100 year old mirror which had been shattered...all the mirror shards...only a small cut on me...that when he corrected he had run over the clothing rack of booth one over from mine...and hit the chair she had been sitting in minutes before...surreal is all I can say...I heard myself repeating the story over and over as those from across the plaza came to hear the tale of what they saw...one woman said "you may feel this later, like when you get home"...I said "I'm fine"...she was right...when i got home after a dry, question filled, fact blah, blah text discussion with a Cop acquaintance of mine...she was right...once i hit the driveway I thought this is the second time I have come so close to bodily harm, maiming...or worse via automobile...tears came...why was I saved when my car rolled down an hill, an oak branch pierced the windshield, sheared off the driver seat at the half way point...the seat i was in...went right through the middle of the seat, through the back seat and to the back hatch...yet after all I had was a very bruised and swollen right arm...this branch was 5" around...but that is WHOLE OTHER STORY...
An officer came yesterday...he was blase about the whole thing...I wear a knee brace from another incident...again a WHOLE OTHER STORY...his first words "you didn't just put that on 5 minutes ago?"...ha ha...said he had conflicting plate numbers, didn't think they would find the driver, I should go through my insurance for shattered mirror...gave me an Information Card...said he is probably long gone...all i could think or you will get back in that squad car and be called to the scene of a death and there the green mini van will be you pompous *#@hole...then he had the nerve to say "whoa he came close, look at the drag marks"...excuse me please...I have known more than a few wonderful, honest, compassionate, still human police officers...but I have known more who carry around something or have learned something or adopted something from their power or past that makes them..."different" than the "Protect and Serve" they pledge to uphold...
Anyway, again near miss...another reminded to let go of the bull#*!@....people, places, things, thoughts, past, present and future...and again the recurring thought of recent..."Life is Short" even if it isn't some way cut short for you...so universe I GET IT!!!...and above all...THANK YOU....to all who came to me yesterday and peeled me off the tree, called 911, got plate number, peeled an orange, got me water, sat with me, gave advice, had genuine concern for me and even my friend who made a joke to break the "whoa! " I was in...I GET IT...
xoxo
So, yesterday at one of the many flea markets I attend a speeding driver hopped the curb, ran down 6 metal temporary guard rails and headed straight for me. If you have ever heard metal hitting metal like in a car accident...it is a terrifying sound...I could not get out of the way...to the left was furniture I could not have gotten over in time...all I could do was jump forward and literally wrap myself around the Sycamore tree his front right side was heading straight for..rails which were hooked together were being pushed in and right behind me was where two were connected...he rode the outside of them...in moments like that where time is instants...you see no out...you surrender...I closed my eyes and held that tree...not thinking of "what is next"..."he is going to hit me"..."will I die?"..."will it hurt?"...I did not hear the people who later told me they screamed assuming they were going to witness me getting hit...
Miraculously he corrected back left...leaving the rails pushed within 16" of my back...the wonderful women and men who came to me had to unwrap me from the tree...I remember that all the loose bark where I had been holding on was rubbed off and the tree was so smooth just where my body had been...all the bark pcs on the front of my shirt and jeans...I heard "I got part of the license plate", "let me get you water" and being led to sit on the grass around the other side of the tree where a sweet woman peeled me a delicious orange. Having very good blood pressure my heart rate calmed pretty fast...the hubbub went on around me people comparing the plate number they saw, the color of the van and that he had a woman in the passenger seat that never changed her expression and looked straight forward the entire time...there were children in the back...that he did not stop and continued his careening drive down the street and out of site.
Shortly thereafter i got up...walked back to my booth and that is when by the drag marks of the rail feet and the tire mark in the gravel we were on how close he had come...noticed the 100 year old mirror which had been shattered...all the mirror shards...only a small cut on me...that when he corrected he had run over the clothing rack of booth one over from mine...and hit the chair she had been sitting in minutes before...surreal is all I can say...I heard myself repeating the story over and over as those from across the plaza came to hear the tale of what they saw...one woman said "you may feel this later, like when you get home"...I said "I'm fine"...she was right...when i got home after a dry, question filled, fact blah, blah text discussion with a Cop acquaintance of mine...she was right...once i hit the driveway I thought this is the second time I have come so close to bodily harm, maiming...or worse via automobile...tears came...why was I saved when my car rolled down an hill, an oak branch pierced the windshield, sheared off the driver seat at the half way point...the seat i was in...went right through the middle of the seat, through the back seat and to the back hatch...yet after all I had was a very bruised and swollen right arm...this branch was 5" around...but that is WHOLE OTHER STORY...
An officer came yesterday...he was blase about the whole thing...I wear a knee brace from another incident...again a WHOLE OTHER STORY...his first words "you didn't just put that on 5 minutes ago?"...ha ha...said he had conflicting plate numbers, didn't think they would find the driver, I should go through my insurance for shattered mirror...gave me an Information Card...said he is probably long gone...all i could think or you will get back in that squad car and be called to the scene of a death and there the green mini van will be you pompous *#@hole...then he had the nerve to say "whoa he came close, look at the drag marks"...excuse me please...I have known more than a few wonderful, honest, compassionate, still human police officers...but I have known more who carry around something or have learned something or adopted something from their power or past that makes them..."different" than the "Protect and Serve" they pledge to uphold...
Anyway, again near miss...another reminded to let go of the bull#*!@....people, places, things, thoughts, past, present and future...and again the recurring thought of recent..."Life is Short" even if it isn't some way cut short for you...so universe I GET IT!!!...and above all...THANK YOU....to all who came to me yesterday and peeled me off the tree, called 911, got plate number, peeled an orange, got me water, sat with me, gave advice, had genuine concern for me and even my friend who made a joke to break the "whoa! " I was in...I GET IT...
xoxo
Friday, May 18, 2012
Separating "Wishes" from "Truth" -
There is such a freedom in separating what you want something to be...what someone tells you it is...from the reality of what 'really' is...I have been a 'believer' my whole life...you tell me something and I will take the words coming from your mouth and believe in you...maybe that is why one of the mottos of my life is "Give me Something to Believe In"....80's rock band title as well I think...just went through and came out the other side of doing this again...what I have learned is I will always believe you...but I am quicker on the uptake when too many facts prove otherwise...now it becomes yours and NOT mine...my other new worn, tried and true thought is "Life Is SHORT"...live it...RISK...let go...take chances...
There is no one walking this planet who isn't carrying some baggage they just want to put down...can't put down...harbor...feel for...suffer from...so I try and help...does that make me Co-dependent or some other therapy label? No, it just makes me, me...ok...maybe peppered with co-dependency...I want love...I need love...I want TO love...so no matter what someone presents to me as their outside I will always see there inside..."Do unto others".....
So thank you again to the 'takers', the 'liars', the 'no it is all you not me folks', you have to's, no i didn't say that, i meant this you should read my minders, the knee breakers, the engine blowers, those with fiance's they can't leave....to the parent who stole last dollars and didn't talk to me for a year, to the "I will help you" but left...thank you. My wish is that your path is where you are to be...and if it isn't that you change it...because
Life is Short....
There is such a freedom in separating what you want something to be...what someone tells you it is...from the reality of what 'really' is...I have been a 'believer' my whole life...you tell me something and I will take the words coming from your mouth and believe in you...maybe that is why one of the mottos of my life is "Give me Something to Believe In"....80's rock band title as well I think...just went through and came out the other side of doing this again...what I have learned is I will always believe you...but I am quicker on the uptake when too many facts prove otherwise...now it becomes yours and NOT mine...my other new worn, tried and true thought is "Life Is SHORT"...live it...RISK...let go...take chances...
There is no one walking this planet who isn't carrying some baggage they just want to put down...can't put down...harbor...feel for...suffer from...so I try and help...does that make me Co-dependent or some other therapy label? No, it just makes me, me...ok...maybe peppered with co-dependency...I want love...I need love...I want TO love...so no matter what someone presents to me as their outside I will always see there inside..."Do unto others".....
So thank you again to the 'takers', the 'liars', the 'no it is all you not me folks', you have to's, no i didn't say that, i meant this you should read my minders, the knee breakers, the engine blowers, those with fiance's they can't leave....to the parent who stole last dollars and didn't talk to me for a year, to the "I will help you" but left...thank you. My wish is that your path is where you are to be...and if it isn't that you change it...because
Life is Short....
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Today I Cracked...Broke Open...
I create...that is what I do and who I am...spent the first part of the day setting up for an "Artist of the Month" show...that artist being me...at the gallery/warehouse of a friend who fell into the same 'salvage' , 'rework', 'restore' business I am doing when mortgage brokerage no longer fit him. He has a keen eye and seems to have been born to do this as well....the items he finds blow me away...but in return he likes my "stylized" painting...for me it began as therapy...for him a new direction...to look at him you'd never guess...but dang he is good....the luxury of a wife to take care of the home, a self confidence in himself and a wonderful personality allow him the time to search as i love to search for things whatever they may be...I watch him at various Flea Markets and off he'll go, come back with this amazing item...$3 he'll say...floors me...but I love to watch creation....we were just lucky enough to be put next to one another at a flea market...though we had briefly met before...I was not at my best...another story...
Anyway, i drove away to come home finish up goods for Saturday and it hit me...hit me like a street fight kick to the stomach...next exit pronto...pulled into a Safeway parking lot...turning inside out...breath not coming to me...white knuckles on the wheel...my parrot in his cage next to me...looking over for assurance...found shade parked...opened the door and wandered through the quiet section of the lot where we were...then it happened...could it have been visual to anyone passing by it would have looked like a The thick skin of the hulk (green one not wrestler) breaking off in large chunks...underneath a dark ooze...rolling down to the next piece that broke away as I walked in circles...a trail of this would have been visible...it seemed a 110 degrees...the chunks could shred a tire...speaking calmly to my parrot who in his infinite wisdom began to preen himself and let me on my way...i didn't go far...off my shoulders, my legs, my arms, my back...these pieces fell...that goo sliding off...I could feel the anger it held, the self pity, the tunnel vision, lack of empathy...I could feel the anger did not like being stuck to the hot black asphalt drying...then the tears...the tears for so much pain...the tears for so much pain caused...the tears for that selfish ME, ME, ME self...the tears, then sobs...great heaving sobs...for losses I and only I caused...for cruelty towards innocent people trying to help, sobs for those not so innocent who demanded more than i could give...sobs for not seeing that everyone carries something and should be treated gently...sobs for the 'empathy' i used to pride myself having in spades...maybe years ago or maybe only when things were "good"...money in the bank...success as deemed by accomplishment and praise...having had a dream and making hit happen...someone once told me it is easy to cover mistakes when the volume you are moving is large...who was I to judge how you should go through your shit? Clearly I could see the circles i walked...the thick hide melting...the dark goo drying away...I wanted to reach out but to who? Hadn't i just spent the last two years pushing everyone and i mean everyone away from me? Wet cat in a bag...Who would understand? Who would answer? Should they anyway? Vomited next to a Crepe Myrtle tree...lucky some shopper didn't call the police...must have been a site...though i never thought of it...I dialed one person...maybe i was having a breakdown but knew I wasn't...the smartest person i have ever known..."no way was he going to touch this"...he has a life to live now...chose happiness over my sickness...and in the depths you did not want to be near it...my epiphany or out of body experience or meltdown or breakdown was not/is not and will not and rightfully so be part of his life now. History, love, miracle, years of longing...."sister i wish you well but you and i both know you have a long way to go"..."you are on your own now"..."I will hope the best from afar"...these words i believe he would have said...he is too smart to pick up and knows...because as I said...he is the smartest man i have ever known...most beautiful heart and loved me for a brief time..also knew when to go back home....knew when to 'fish or cut bait'....did which ever is best for the self...I guess fish?...I admire his ability to stay silent...to move on...to honor his own life and anyone in it not to step back...
Sobbed at least 2 quarts of tears...though my 6' frame now hold about 125 pounds...felt even lighter...of course I am not stupid...this is not the end....the real work begins...
My home of 24 will be sold in days...people tell me to plan...I have NEVER in my life planned...these are the only 2 plans i can be assured of "no one with a penis can come near me"....and once house gone, parrot settled in foster care...the travel i have written about for over a decade will commence...life is hard when you have to live your own words of advice...things can be packed, donated, given away...time we don't get back...things are things even a home you loved and now see was the albatross around your neck...so i commit to moment by moment again...being "Artist of the month"...make ammends where and when i can and accept if they are not wanted...
Need to stop....glad no one reads this...but happy to have it here...if I had one wish right now it would be a little boat on the Delta...dusk has always been my favorite time of day...all can feel so right with the world...in the reeds...do I have $1400?...gonna go look...
Indeed a beautiful day...over all...minute by minute...second by second...I create...that is what i do....
I create...that is what I do and who I am...spent the first part of the day setting up for an "Artist of the Month" show...that artist being me...at the gallery/warehouse of a friend who fell into the same 'salvage' , 'rework', 'restore' business I am doing when mortgage brokerage no longer fit him. He has a keen eye and seems to have been born to do this as well....the items he finds blow me away...but in return he likes my "stylized" painting...for me it began as therapy...for him a new direction...to look at him you'd never guess...but dang he is good....the luxury of a wife to take care of the home, a self confidence in himself and a wonderful personality allow him the time to search as i love to search for things whatever they may be...I watch him at various Flea Markets and off he'll go, come back with this amazing item...$3 he'll say...floors me...but I love to watch creation....we were just lucky enough to be put next to one another at a flea market...though we had briefly met before...I was not at my best...another story...
Anyway, i drove away to come home finish up goods for Saturday and it hit me...hit me like a street fight kick to the stomach...next exit pronto...pulled into a Safeway parking lot...turning inside out...breath not coming to me...white knuckles on the wheel...my parrot in his cage next to me...looking over for assurance...found shade parked...opened the door and wandered through the quiet section of the lot where we were...then it happened...could it have been visual to anyone passing by it would have looked like a The thick skin of the hulk (green one not wrestler) breaking off in large chunks...underneath a dark ooze...rolling down to the next piece that broke away as I walked in circles...a trail of this would have been visible...it seemed a 110 degrees...the chunks could shred a tire...speaking calmly to my parrot who in his infinite wisdom began to preen himself and let me on my way...i didn't go far...off my shoulders, my legs, my arms, my back...these pieces fell...that goo sliding off...I could feel the anger it held, the self pity, the tunnel vision, lack of empathy...I could feel the anger did not like being stuck to the hot black asphalt drying...then the tears...the tears for so much pain...the tears for so much pain caused...the tears for that selfish ME, ME, ME self...the tears, then sobs...great heaving sobs...for losses I and only I caused...for cruelty towards innocent people trying to help, sobs for those not so innocent who demanded more than i could give...sobs for not seeing that everyone carries something and should be treated gently...sobs for the 'empathy' i used to pride myself having in spades...maybe years ago or maybe only when things were "good"...money in the bank...success as deemed by accomplishment and praise...having had a dream and making hit happen...someone once told me it is easy to cover mistakes when the volume you are moving is large...who was I to judge how you should go through your shit? Clearly I could see the circles i walked...the thick hide melting...the dark goo drying away...I wanted to reach out but to who? Hadn't i just spent the last two years pushing everyone and i mean everyone away from me? Wet cat in a bag...Who would understand? Who would answer? Should they anyway? Vomited next to a Crepe Myrtle tree...lucky some shopper didn't call the police...must have been a site...though i never thought of it...I dialed one person...maybe i was having a breakdown but knew I wasn't...the smartest person i have ever known..."no way was he going to touch this"...he has a life to live now...chose happiness over my sickness...and in the depths you did not want to be near it...my epiphany or out of body experience or meltdown or breakdown was not/is not and will not and rightfully so be part of his life now. History, love, miracle, years of longing...."sister i wish you well but you and i both know you have a long way to go"..."you are on your own now"..."I will hope the best from afar"...these words i believe he would have said...he is too smart to pick up and knows...because as I said...he is the smartest man i have ever known...most beautiful heart and loved me for a brief time..also knew when to go back home....knew when to 'fish or cut bait'....did which ever is best for the self...I guess fish?...I admire his ability to stay silent...to move on...to honor his own life and anyone in it not to step back...
Sobbed at least 2 quarts of tears...though my 6' frame now hold about 125 pounds...felt even lighter...of course I am not stupid...this is not the end....the real work begins...
My home of 24 will be sold in days...people tell me to plan...I have NEVER in my life planned...these are the only 2 plans i can be assured of "no one with a penis can come near me"....and once house gone, parrot settled in foster care...the travel i have written about for over a decade will commence...life is hard when you have to live your own words of advice...things can be packed, donated, given away...time we don't get back...things are things even a home you loved and now see was the albatross around your neck...so i commit to moment by moment again...being "Artist of the month"...make ammends where and when i can and accept if they are not wanted...
Need to stop....glad no one reads this...but happy to have it here...if I had one wish right now it would be a little boat on the Delta...dusk has always been my favorite time of day...all can feel so right with the world...in the reeds...do I have $1400?...gonna go look...
Indeed a beautiful day...over all...minute by minute...second by second...I create...that is what i do....
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Inspiration from the Strangest of Places -
Some time ago someone gave me an MP3 player...the kind that could be a lighter or out of a gum ball machine next to the tattoo dispenser...I plugged it into my computer downloaded what was on it...some garbage...to me anyway...then this song by...Dolly Parton....not ever given much thought to her except her attitude...always positive...the song is called "Better Get to Livin'...yes no G...
Starts "People always coming up to me asking Dolly what's your secret?"...."with all you do your attitude just seems to be so good how do you keep it?"....then the chorus..."Better get to livin'....givin'...don't forget to throw in a little more giving and love along the way...better get to knowing....showing...a little more concern about where you are going...a word unto the wise....you better get to living"...."girlfriend showed up started crying on my shoulder...spinning such a sad tale, I could not believe the yarn she was weaving...so negative the words she had to say...if i had a violin I'd play....be willing and forgiving cause out healing has to start with you...stop whining, pining, get our dreams in line and then just shine, design, refine until they come true....underappreciated...you better get to livin'...don't sweat the small stuff...when it gets too tough fall to your knees and pray...do this every day...the day we are born we start to die...don't waste a moment of this life...
Thanks crazy pink MP3 player and crazy guy who handed it to me....
I hope to one day forgive him...
Some time ago someone gave me an MP3 player...the kind that could be a lighter or out of a gum ball machine next to the tattoo dispenser...I plugged it into my computer downloaded what was on it...some garbage...to me anyway...then this song by...Dolly Parton....not ever given much thought to her except her attitude...always positive...the song is called "Better Get to Livin'...yes no G...
Starts "People always coming up to me asking Dolly what's your secret?"...."with all you do your attitude just seems to be so good how do you keep it?"....then the chorus..."Better get to livin'....givin'...don't forget to throw in a little more giving and love along the way...better get to knowing....showing...a little more concern about where you are going...a word unto the wise....you better get to living"...."girlfriend showed up started crying on my shoulder...spinning such a sad tale, I could not believe the yarn she was weaving...so negative the words she had to say...if i had a violin I'd play....be willing and forgiving cause out healing has to start with you...stop whining, pining, get our dreams in line and then just shine, design, refine until they come true....underappreciated...you better get to livin'...don't sweat the small stuff...when it gets too tough fall to your knees and pray...do this every day...the day we are born we start to die...don't waste a moment of this life...
Thanks crazy pink MP3 player and crazy guy who handed it to me....
I hope to one day forgive him...
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Seeing Clearly -
Today I completely surrender...how can i not? Life keeps throwing me beautiful people, events, a new direction, new found talents....people who want to help me grow those talents and so many that desire I start a new business again.
Have my first "featured artist" show...even though my emotions are all over the board and I do not understand the one's that have gotten in closest only to lie, cheat and steal...I find it a waste of time now to think about them...miss my "present" for them?....God would say...'come have a seat next to me, let's talk'
Miss connecting to these people would be a sin...I have mad talent, the capacity to love fully, deeply and change you...it has been my lot in life...create beauty where there was none....I think more people have the capacity to create than they allow themselves to see...
May you find your passion...may love, hurt and lies not consume you...it is a waste of your life...leave them to their own path...know it is not yours...they are like a Chigger (a why God thing?)...get the medication, rub it on and get them OUT! Let them go. Send them off with love.
Live...this is the only life we get that we know of...and maybe, just maybe you chose this path before you got here...if so then all is as it should be...comforting if you can give it just a minute...
Today I completely surrender...how can i not? Life keeps throwing me beautiful people, events, a new direction, new found talents....people who want to help me grow those talents and so many that desire I start a new business again.
Have my first "featured artist" show...even though my emotions are all over the board and I do not understand the one's that have gotten in closest only to lie, cheat and steal...I find it a waste of time now to think about them...miss my "present" for them?....God would say...'come have a seat next to me, let's talk'
Miss connecting to these people would be a sin...I have mad talent, the capacity to love fully, deeply and change you...it has been my lot in life...create beauty where there was none....I think more people have the capacity to create than they allow themselves to see...
May you find your passion...may love, hurt and lies not consume you...it is a waste of your life...leave them to their own path...know it is not yours...they are like a Chigger (a why God thing?)...get the medication, rub it on and get them OUT! Let them go. Send them off with love.
Live...this is the only life we get that we know of...and maybe, just maybe you chose this path before you got here...if so then all is as it should be...comforting if you can give it just a minute...
Monday, May 7, 2012
Someone Sent Me This Today...
"Change is the law of life...and those who look only to the past or to the present...are sure to miss the future" - JFK
Been so stuck in the past and present that I forgot there is a future coming....no matter what except some unforeseen event that stops it...but old habits are hard to break...wonderful, beautiful new people have been entering my life...i haven't been able to see them clearly...holding on to a dream that never was...never was going to be...the whole while in it forgetting me...so not truly living at all...just consumed and chasing a ghost...I keep asking myself how much more?...plowing ahead in directions that broken promises put me on...let me be honest here...I put me on...then the broken promises came...pushed, pulled, this way then that at the whim of another persons words...though i still feel the desire to sit down and have a talk...just talk...clear the air....closure...i realize this other person cannot do that...what i am writing here is my grief...my grieving process...my acceptance of a life long pattern...yes it is me...but it is you too.
All these last weeks losing a baby that never was...the little safe home inside my uterus was there...the egg sack firmly attached to the wall...but no fetus...pain like i have never felt...of course all the hormonal ups and downs that go with it...adding to me being the "crazy pants" I am...love, hate, sad, happy, compassionate, failure....up, down, up, down...kept my mind off the pain..kept me close to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so...think finally gone...at least ending....thought that a week or so ago when it started...wasn't bad...but this was it...the final goodbye...God in his infinite wisdom knew it was wrong...can't though stop the admission of "If I had ever had a child (never desired one) it would have been with you."....but not me, you and fiance'....thank you universe for seeing what had to happen...
So, today i embrace the change, the miracles, the people...I refuse to miss my future...whatever it holds it will be beautiful...because i am...and i chose to see that...everyone should...
"Change is the law of life...and those who look only to the past or to the present...are sure to miss the future" - JFK
Been so stuck in the past and present that I forgot there is a future coming....no matter what except some unforeseen event that stops it...but old habits are hard to break...wonderful, beautiful new people have been entering my life...i haven't been able to see them clearly...holding on to a dream that never was...never was going to be...the whole while in it forgetting me...so not truly living at all...just consumed and chasing a ghost...I keep asking myself how much more?...plowing ahead in directions that broken promises put me on...let me be honest here...I put me on...then the broken promises came...pushed, pulled, this way then that at the whim of another persons words...though i still feel the desire to sit down and have a talk...just talk...clear the air....closure...i realize this other person cannot do that...what i am writing here is my grief...my grieving process...my acceptance of a life long pattern...yes it is me...but it is you too.
All these last weeks losing a baby that never was...the little safe home inside my uterus was there...the egg sack firmly attached to the wall...but no fetus...pain like i have never felt...of course all the hormonal ups and downs that go with it...adding to me being the "crazy pants" I am...love, hate, sad, happy, compassionate, failure....up, down, up, down...kept my mind off the pain..kept me close to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so...think finally gone...at least ending....thought that a week or so ago when it started...wasn't bad...but this was it...the final goodbye...God in his infinite wisdom knew it was wrong...can't though stop the admission of "If I had ever had a child (never desired one) it would have been with you."....but not me, you and fiance'....thank you universe for seeing what had to happen...
So, today i embrace the change, the miracles, the people...I refuse to miss my future...whatever it holds it will be beautiful...because i am...and i chose to see that...everyone should...
Sunday, May 6, 2012
We Are All Working Through Something....
I am dreaming again...same subject every night but I am dreaming...that is a good sign...I have read we work things out in our dreams....week 3 of the same subject...must be working it out...working through.
We are all working through something...some get hit like a a freight train with their "something"....others suffering silence...some know it is happening but are not ready to face it though it is happening right before their eyes...life is saying "pay attention"...."you asked for this"..."do some of the work"...they can't.
I am guilty of being a "fighter"...meaning beating myself senseless trying to show someone or worst make someone see what they are doing...what the very words out of their very mouths are doing. Now i throw that towel in...work your stuff out....I adopt the "healthy boundaries" therapist mantra now. Accept the Co-Dependency of my ways...you are not here to fix me and i am not here to fix you. The GOLDEN RULE though is...it is never ours to be cruel...we can, should and are obliged to use our "grown up" words.
Fighting addiction, the loss of a love story like few have ever known...but was completely fiction read to me and i hung on every word, the loss of my beloved home...no one's fault but my own...I wake up today with gratitude...the sun and sky look different...i feel nothing but hope...even glimpses of the other side...a peace i was searching for outside myself is finding a home inside of me to settle and grow.
I will need that peace each moment of every day...the next bug a boos I will delve into are the one's that brought me here in the first place. They are the story of countless souls walking this earth...child abuse, addicted mother, sister lost to heroin, sister just lost...being "the watcher" as a very small girl...telling myself then "I will not be like this"....I wasn't until life, God, the universe, even myself had different plans for me.
I have always been attracted and compassionate for the Bungled and the Botched of this world. No one would pick that lifestyle of homelessness, madness, stuck in the vortex of their own heads so deeply that is winds up, the string breaks and there they are forever. Today I wake up and thank God I am not there forever...was very close...but today I will take my parrot for a ride in the car...he loves that. I will work in my yard everyday until i lose this home. But, i created it and can do it again should I want the "American Dream" once more. What i want next is horses...land...to breathe in deep knowing the worst is behind me. So thank you Cruel Lying Cop (and you are welcome for opening your heart and finally letting you grieve the death of your mother)...you lied to me in return but thank you anywa, thank you knee breaking Sociopath, thank you speed freak mother....thanks to all of you that came...took the good stuff you needed and ran. Because now i know i have plenty to spare...after I use it to cleanse myself.
Finally, the words I have heard my whole life "You Are SO Strong" have meaning...I am strong...balance is also on my "to do" list. I am keeping that list short.
Two final things and I have to write everything down having done to my body and brain not to mention liver and kidneys what I have these last two years.
1. Use dignity when you encounter an addict that you like, love, wanted to love, is family and find that your threshold to help is gone. You couldn't do it...surprise...you can't. We have feelings...you fight the addiction not the person so don't hurt them more than they are hurting themselves. But, maybe that is your "what you are going through"....ego...power...whatever...
2. At the end of the day...alone with my dreams...I would still rather be me than anyone else.
No one is not going through something...but it is never acceptable to be cruel...there are countless "Hail Mary's"in my future for the cruel words I have used while drinking...against the innocent and the not so innocent it is never right...but can be what it is...thank God my time was short. You were my addiction...now I am my rehab...
I am dreaming again...same subject every night but I am dreaming...that is a good sign...I have read we work things out in our dreams....week 3 of the same subject...must be working it out...working through.
We are all working through something...some get hit like a a freight train with their "something"....others suffering silence...some know it is happening but are not ready to face it though it is happening right before their eyes...life is saying "pay attention"...."you asked for this"..."do some of the work"...they can't.
I am guilty of being a "fighter"...meaning beating myself senseless trying to show someone or worst make someone see what they are doing...what the very words out of their very mouths are doing. Now i throw that towel in...work your stuff out....I adopt the "healthy boundaries" therapist mantra now. Accept the Co-Dependency of my ways...you are not here to fix me and i am not here to fix you. The GOLDEN RULE though is...it is never ours to be cruel...we can, should and are obliged to use our "grown up" words.
Fighting addiction, the loss of a love story like few have ever known...but was completely fiction read to me and i hung on every word, the loss of my beloved home...no one's fault but my own...I wake up today with gratitude...the sun and sky look different...i feel nothing but hope...even glimpses of the other side...a peace i was searching for outside myself is finding a home inside of me to settle and grow.
I will need that peace each moment of every day...the next bug a boos I will delve into are the one's that brought me here in the first place. They are the story of countless souls walking this earth...child abuse, addicted mother, sister lost to heroin, sister just lost...being "the watcher" as a very small girl...telling myself then "I will not be like this"....I wasn't until life, God, the universe, even myself had different plans for me.
I have always been attracted and compassionate for the Bungled and the Botched of this world. No one would pick that lifestyle of homelessness, madness, stuck in the vortex of their own heads so deeply that is winds up, the string breaks and there they are forever. Today I wake up and thank God I am not there forever...was very close...but today I will take my parrot for a ride in the car...he loves that. I will work in my yard everyday until i lose this home. But, i created it and can do it again should I want the "American Dream" once more. What i want next is horses...land...to breathe in deep knowing the worst is behind me. So thank you Cruel Lying Cop (and you are welcome for opening your heart and finally letting you grieve the death of your mother)...you lied to me in return but thank you anywa, thank you knee breaking Sociopath, thank you speed freak mother....thanks to all of you that came...took the good stuff you needed and ran. Because now i know i have plenty to spare...after I use it to cleanse myself.
Finally, the words I have heard my whole life "You Are SO Strong" have meaning...I am strong...balance is also on my "to do" list. I am keeping that list short.
Two final things and I have to write everything down having done to my body and brain not to mention liver and kidneys what I have these last two years.
1. Use dignity when you encounter an addict that you like, love, wanted to love, is family and find that your threshold to help is gone. You couldn't do it...surprise...you can't. We have feelings...you fight the addiction not the person so don't hurt them more than they are hurting themselves. But, maybe that is your "what you are going through"....ego...power...whatever...
2. At the end of the day...alone with my dreams...I would still rather be me than anyone else.
No one is not going through something...but it is never acceptable to be cruel...there are countless "Hail Mary's"in my future for the cruel words I have used while drinking...against the innocent and the not so innocent it is never right...but can be what it is...thank God my time was short. You were my addiction...now I am my rehab...
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Learning to Let Go -
Today a very intelligent, insightful man reminded me of some simple rules of life. He told me to write them down and live them everyday...his call came at a moment i was spinning into what i call the Vortex. The vortex is where my brain connects to a "hurt", a "lie", a "deceit"....or someone going silent in the face of a direct question...turning to "shut off" mode.
I used to know this stuff...it got lost in the last two years of "why?"...Why being the very downfall of my mental health...
1. It doesn't matter what somebody THINKS.
2. It doesn't matter what somebody SAYS.
3. The ONLY thing that REALLY MATTERS is what REALLY IS.
In essence...I know what happened I was there...YOU were not...I know what was said...YOU were not there to hear it...I KNOW the promises made and broken...YOU DO NOT...so that is what REALLY IS.
Truth is something i search for...I am not perfect at it...i was raised to be perfect...perfect makes balancing in truth very hard...you lie to yourself...it becomes your truth....but eventually I realized my truth thanks to my amazing store and the amazing people who came through my doors and the amazing women who came to work with me...no one who has met me in these last years was not told what i was and what i was going through. What I was doing to myself...how i felt...the easier stuff first...the alcohol...the harder stuff later...the abuse...the hardest stuff last...addiction...if i fell off the wagon I said so...how i felt about you was not a lie....what hurt me was no joke...what mattered to me...was real...that I believed you...pure faith and from the heart...i may be a vile drunk, deep anger that often includes names of the past...things i must next work out...
Don't for a second think your lies did not contribute to the woman you judge today. That there was no impact to me. The simple act of letting your past go so we could have that bright future you so excitedly talked about or to live that "rare" chance we talked about having was not vividly real to me...why? (there it is)....because you sold it to me with conviction...you said it with such conviction...you held me with such conviction...using my entire name when you said you loved me.
The one thing that you could not do brought down your whole house of cards and my heart and sobriety i was working so hard to attain with it. The way you said "I love you"...the horse ranch...all while ignoring her pleas for you "to come home to your wife"....saying i don't answer because it doesn't matter...the hell it didn't matter...I may drink but I am far from stupid. My ability to see a bullshitter is finely tuned and yours would be too if you grew up as I did...the difference this time was I was weak and easy to prey on...so i held on unable to believe this was you. Again, I KNOW WHAT REALLY IS...I was there...
What REALLY is? The words i will never forget..."I will do it to shut you up"..."That not one promise made or action to be taken from better knee brace for me, get the doors back to save the house 3 times offered... and move in here..."would be an honor to live in a place you created"....came to fruition...not one. Not a single one.
"Do you believe me?" - "Do you trust me?" - that tone as you said it...like "child are you listening?"...yes sir Mr. Cop...but as the weeks went by and the time came to ask what was happening with any of these things...treated the same as a child would be you snapped..."I'M DOING IT"...yet at 48 I am not a child and I know you had done nothing. Time working against me because of your double life. Again, weak...I was prey...I KNOW WHAT REALLY IS...you did not love me. I was a past memory being relived...punished because I was not the same 'dream girl'...
I digress...this is what and who I am letting go of. As I have said when you are weak...you are prey. You are not yourself...you accept pain you wouldn't in a million years if you still believed in you. I believe in me again. What I do not believe in you is YOU. I never knew you those short months. I refused to accept it. Now I do. I KNOW you. I KNOW WHAT REALLY IS...."ALWAYS"
Today a very intelligent, insightful man reminded me of some simple rules of life. He told me to write them down and live them everyday...his call came at a moment i was spinning into what i call the Vortex. The vortex is where my brain connects to a "hurt", a "lie", a "deceit"....or someone going silent in the face of a direct question...turning to "shut off" mode.
I used to know this stuff...it got lost in the last two years of "why?"...Why being the very downfall of my mental health...
1. It doesn't matter what somebody THINKS.
2. It doesn't matter what somebody SAYS.
3. The ONLY thing that REALLY MATTERS is what REALLY IS.
In essence...I know what happened I was there...YOU were not...I know what was said...YOU were not there to hear it...I KNOW the promises made and broken...YOU DO NOT...so that is what REALLY IS.
Truth is something i search for...I am not perfect at it...i was raised to be perfect...perfect makes balancing in truth very hard...you lie to yourself...it becomes your truth....but eventually I realized my truth thanks to my amazing store and the amazing people who came through my doors and the amazing women who came to work with me...no one who has met me in these last years was not told what i was and what i was going through. What I was doing to myself...how i felt...the easier stuff first...the alcohol...the harder stuff later...the abuse...the hardest stuff last...addiction...if i fell off the wagon I said so...how i felt about you was not a lie....what hurt me was no joke...what mattered to me...was real...that I believed you...pure faith and from the heart...i may be a vile drunk, deep anger that often includes names of the past...things i must next work out...
Don't for a second think your lies did not contribute to the woman you judge today. That there was no impact to me. The simple act of letting your past go so we could have that bright future you so excitedly talked about or to live that "rare" chance we talked about having was not vividly real to me...why? (there it is)....because you sold it to me with conviction...you said it with such conviction...you held me with such conviction...using my entire name when you said you loved me.
The one thing that you could not do brought down your whole house of cards and my heart and sobriety i was working so hard to attain with it. The way you said "I love you"...the horse ranch...all while ignoring her pleas for you "to come home to your wife"....saying i don't answer because it doesn't matter...the hell it didn't matter...I may drink but I am far from stupid. My ability to see a bullshitter is finely tuned and yours would be too if you grew up as I did...the difference this time was I was weak and easy to prey on...so i held on unable to believe this was you. Again, I KNOW WHAT REALLY IS...I was there...
What REALLY is? The words i will never forget..."I will do it to shut you up"..."That not one promise made or action to be taken from better knee brace for me, get the doors back to save the house 3 times offered... and move in here..."would be an honor to live in a place you created"....came to fruition...not one. Not a single one.
"Do you believe me?" - "Do you trust me?" - that tone as you said it...like "child are you listening?"...yes sir Mr. Cop...but as the weeks went by and the time came to ask what was happening with any of these things...treated the same as a child would be you snapped..."I'M DOING IT"...yet at 48 I am not a child and I know you had done nothing. Time working against me because of your double life. Again, weak...I was prey...I KNOW WHAT REALLY IS...you did not love me. I was a past memory being relived...punished because I was not the same 'dream girl'...
I digress...this is what and who I am letting go of. As I have said when you are weak...you are prey. You are not yourself...you accept pain you wouldn't in a million years if you still believed in you. I believe in me again. What I do not believe in you is YOU. I never knew you those short months. I refused to accept it. Now I do. I KNOW you. I KNOW WHAT REALLY IS...."ALWAYS"
Thursday, May 3, 2012
What The *$@!?
You go to rehab...spend 20k...write an "ego blog"...go out and get drunk...then why the rehab? Just accept who you are..."not nice to talk about people"...on Facebook...use talking about people as a connection to "friends"....you have no more to say than the crazy man Sam who walks the streets of Willow Glen where you used to live...his stories will be more real than yours will ever be...he says things like "stop...we carry too many plates...i see you carry too many plates...put some down"...he speaks English only to those he deems worthy...you would never be worthy...ego blogs are shit...i want to help this poor person who has nothing when i came from everything is shit....you talk about how good you are at fucking....big deal...right this instant millions are fucking...big deal...and i can bet you dollars to donuts three quarters are better than you...your desperation seeps through...only the weak fall for it and back to Facebook you go....Mad?...you better believe it...Disappointed in people...oh yeah....Loved me 28 years...LOAD OF SHIT when you have a fiance...walk in your truth or don't walk at all....gained 75 pounds since you followed me like a puppy....lost half your hair....watched fiance beg for your attention but you had a new toy...an old toy who ran you through the ringer at 20....and as i sit right now...I am glad i did....i never thought of you those years...not once...when i did i remembered your appendage being smaller than average...Italian only in height....a cop now...never hated a single one...would stand up for them until you then i saw first hand what you are...paid too much, weak, power...small dick, big paycheck...liars til death....would sell the soul of their dead mother not to be convicted of using too much force on the throat of a subdued man....
That is you...take it....
You go to rehab...spend 20k...write an "ego blog"...go out and get drunk...then why the rehab? Just accept who you are..."not nice to talk about people"...on Facebook...use talking about people as a connection to "friends"....you have no more to say than the crazy man Sam who walks the streets of Willow Glen where you used to live...his stories will be more real than yours will ever be...he says things like "stop...we carry too many plates...i see you carry too many plates...put some down"...he speaks English only to those he deems worthy...you would never be worthy...ego blogs are shit...i want to help this poor person who has nothing when i came from everything is shit....you talk about how good you are at fucking....big deal...right this instant millions are fucking...big deal...and i can bet you dollars to donuts three quarters are better than you...your desperation seeps through...only the weak fall for it and back to Facebook you go....Mad?...you better believe it...Disappointed in people...oh yeah....Loved me 28 years...LOAD OF SHIT when you have a fiance...walk in your truth or don't walk at all....gained 75 pounds since you followed me like a puppy....lost half your hair....watched fiance beg for your attention but you had a new toy...an old toy who ran you through the ringer at 20....and as i sit right now...I am glad i did....i never thought of you those years...not once...when i did i remembered your appendage being smaller than average...Italian only in height....a cop now...never hated a single one...would stand up for them until you then i saw first hand what you are...paid too much, weak, power...small dick, big paycheck...liars til death....would sell the soul of their dead mother not to be convicted of using too much force on the throat of a subdued man....
That is you...take it....
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
He Said...
Nothing just held my cheeks and kissed me after 28 years apart. I believe I was going to say "hey, here you are" or something lame like that. It was the most romantic moment of my life...it lasted too briefly. That perfect moment, this single man who said he had not gone 3 days without thinking of me for 28 years, the immediate connection, the immediate hours passing as seconds...the way he felt wrapped around me...the things we had in common...we had both told friends that we wanted to take a BBQ trip through the south both to be laughed at, we had both had near death experiences, we both love Bryan Ferry "Avalon"....these coincidences were like shooting stars. We looked at each other as if "how can this be"...you see we had a connection when were 20 years old. Not the most healthy but it was real...looking back not so wonderful for him...i was in a foursome not of my choosing but to more be the sidekick for my overbearing and insecure "best friend"...to this day i cannot remember the name of the guy i was seeing...the fourth of the group...i do remember his Polo cologne...reeked!
Across the room i would see HIM...yet i could not break away...he could see me and only wait longingly. We made a pact...you be here when i call and i will be there when you do. The rest of the 3 made his life hell for hanging around the ice cream parlor i worked in. I loved his company. He made me feel safe. We spent most of our time out at night...we both loved to run...he loved to run behind me...we talked...we became "friends with benefits" long before the term was coined and used in sitcoms. The best kisser of my life. I guess you could say i was a "cheater" but in my mind i was not cheating...i was just a forth in a pack not contributing much...complacent much of the time. Stolen kisses in the pantry of his family home. Sex in my MGB, the ice cream parlor...him writing on my second story bedroom wall in shoe polish. He tried to show he cared but dare step close and his guard went up...thinking he would end the butt of some cruel joke. I moved on to other boys...he watched...I made dates...he watched...still we had our late night meetings...he was sweet...chocolate and champagne sweet...but he had a goal and that was sex. But we talked and we talked and we kissed and we had that sex....eventually i woke up. I approached him about an "us"....always having been sarcastic he replied "aren't we just fuck buddies?"...my first true heartbreak...he tried over and over to take that back but some rolling door like in front of a city deli began to come down. He showed up with perfume...i lit up...immediately he stated "dont tell anyone"...door went down further...time and again he tried to go back and correct his first answer yet each time it rang less true. The door rolled down further. To walk towards this boy i loved, trusted, wanted, cared about, "knew" was someone to be in my life was to walk into quicksand. There was a final moment and a slap...he walked away. In motion was my change. I left for NYC and the world i knew here...he went to college....
There is so much more...but right now i cannot...the pain is too overwhelming...
Nothing just held my cheeks and kissed me after 28 years apart. I believe I was going to say "hey, here you are" or something lame like that. It was the most romantic moment of my life...it lasted too briefly. That perfect moment, this single man who said he had not gone 3 days without thinking of me for 28 years, the immediate connection, the immediate hours passing as seconds...the way he felt wrapped around me...the things we had in common...we had both told friends that we wanted to take a BBQ trip through the south both to be laughed at, we had both had near death experiences, we both love Bryan Ferry "Avalon"....these coincidences were like shooting stars. We looked at each other as if "how can this be"...you see we had a connection when were 20 years old. Not the most healthy but it was real...looking back not so wonderful for him...i was in a foursome not of my choosing but to more be the sidekick for my overbearing and insecure "best friend"...to this day i cannot remember the name of the guy i was seeing...the fourth of the group...i do remember his Polo cologne...reeked!
Across the room i would see HIM...yet i could not break away...he could see me and only wait longingly. We made a pact...you be here when i call and i will be there when you do. The rest of the 3 made his life hell for hanging around the ice cream parlor i worked in. I loved his company. He made me feel safe. We spent most of our time out at night...we both loved to run...he loved to run behind me...we talked...we became "friends with benefits" long before the term was coined and used in sitcoms. The best kisser of my life. I guess you could say i was a "cheater" but in my mind i was not cheating...i was just a forth in a pack not contributing much...complacent much of the time. Stolen kisses in the pantry of his family home. Sex in my MGB, the ice cream parlor...him writing on my second story bedroom wall in shoe polish. He tried to show he cared but dare step close and his guard went up...thinking he would end the butt of some cruel joke. I moved on to other boys...he watched...I made dates...he watched...still we had our late night meetings...he was sweet...chocolate and champagne sweet...but he had a goal and that was sex. But we talked and we talked and we kissed and we had that sex....eventually i woke up. I approached him about an "us"....always having been sarcastic he replied "aren't we just fuck buddies?"...my first true heartbreak...he tried over and over to take that back but some rolling door like in front of a city deli began to come down. He showed up with perfume...i lit up...immediately he stated "dont tell anyone"...door went down further...time and again he tried to go back and correct his first answer yet each time it rang less true. The door rolled down further. To walk towards this boy i loved, trusted, wanted, cared about, "knew" was someone to be in my life was to walk into quicksand. There was a final moment and a slap...he walked away. In motion was my change. I left for NYC and the world i knew here...he went to college....
There is so much more...but right now i cannot...the pain is too overwhelming...
Saturday, April 28, 2012
The Definition of Crazy -
Is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. What i tend to forget is the 'same thing' feels different as the people are different, their stories are different, their promises different, the experiences they bring are different...yet i remain the same...co-dependent, Bi-Polar, Borderline...whatever the label...
Crazy to me could be nothing more than getting obsessed with a thought where crazy to another could be losing a favorite earring...right now i am crazy and getting crazier by the day...therapists with walls of degrees will say i am drawing the same person to me over and over to learn my lesson. As a fighter...if Satan himself were in front of me i would go mano a mano with him before backing down...there is something in me that needs to hear what needs to be said...silence is a killer for me...walk away without why and i will go crazy...
So, i do indeed do the same thing over and over and expect a different result...yet each person brings a new story in which i have no reason not to believe until i see...indeed those degrees are right...i am the same person and so are each of them...this is where i have to change...accept the "because of....", or "that's what ??? do"....i have been very sick of that....why is it i have to change...where does their change come in? But, they as i have been are all the same...
Time someone take the reigns of this thing and see if it can actually change...if crazy can be left behind...if it can be replaced with acceptance and "see you"....good luck with that...been there done that...your turn now...
Is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. What i tend to forget is the 'same thing' feels different as the people are different, their stories are different, their promises different, the experiences they bring are different...yet i remain the same...co-dependent, Bi-Polar, Borderline...whatever the label...
Crazy to me could be nothing more than getting obsessed with a thought where crazy to another could be losing a favorite earring...right now i am crazy and getting crazier by the day...therapists with walls of degrees will say i am drawing the same person to me over and over to learn my lesson. As a fighter...if Satan himself were in front of me i would go mano a mano with him before backing down...there is something in me that needs to hear what needs to be said...silence is a killer for me...walk away without why and i will go crazy...
So, i do indeed do the same thing over and over and expect a different result...yet each person brings a new story in which i have no reason not to believe until i see...indeed those degrees are right...i am the same person and so are each of them...this is where i have to change...accept the "because of....", or "that's what ??? do"....i have been very sick of that....why is it i have to change...where does their change come in? But, they as i have been are all the same...
Time someone take the reigns of this thing and see if it can actually change...if crazy can be left behind...if it can be replaced with acceptance and "see you"....good luck with that...been there done that...your turn now...
Friday, April 27, 2012
Wish I Could Remember...
The slumber party, pool party, Barbie doll playtime that after hearing other girls say "I want to be a veterinarian when i grow up" or "nurse" or "marry a rich man"....i said at 46 I want to lose everything, love a Sociopath, become an alcoholic and an addict. This i can't remember...the shocked looks i am sure would have stuck with me. "What i really want to do is carry and hide that which will one day break me down to face my true self...and do this behind success to the outside..."you are so strong" comments..."striking"...and the many thank you responses i got to the 'so insightful' sharing i could do when all was in place to the outside world...though i could create a beautiful space and my words were true...it was always me left out of the equation...how i understood the "bungled and botched"...my favorite kind of people...yet all the while the "vortex" beginning inside me and only kept down by sheer force and hard work...the co-dependency that drives me....did i ask for this?
So, i sound like so many others...but to understand pain in others you have to not look at the pain inside you...how we each go through something is stitched to something else which in turn is stitched to something else and so on. To another what you are going through gets a comment "you're a buffoon" by the man who said he loved you for 28 years only to find you now a broken alcoholic. He offers rehab because his "ex" was also an alcoholic and she would not go....what you slowly realize is the "ex" is not an "ex" and you are a surrogate for what he could not do there....in fact she is no "ex" at all...
If you light yourself on fire in front of someone....that someone begging for the truth...have the strength to say it...let your ego go.....
The slumber party, pool party, Barbie doll playtime that after hearing other girls say "I want to be a veterinarian when i grow up" or "nurse" or "marry a rich man"....i said at 46 I want to lose everything, love a Sociopath, become an alcoholic and an addict. This i can't remember...the shocked looks i am sure would have stuck with me. "What i really want to do is carry and hide that which will one day break me down to face my true self...and do this behind success to the outside..."you are so strong" comments..."striking"...and the many thank you responses i got to the 'so insightful' sharing i could do when all was in place to the outside world...though i could create a beautiful space and my words were true...it was always me left out of the equation...how i understood the "bungled and botched"...my favorite kind of people...yet all the while the "vortex" beginning inside me and only kept down by sheer force and hard work...the co-dependency that drives me....did i ask for this?
So, i sound like so many others...but to understand pain in others you have to not look at the pain inside you...how we each go through something is stitched to something else which in turn is stitched to something else and so on. To another what you are going through gets a comment "you're a buffoon" by the man who said he loved you for 28 years only to find you now a broken alcoholic. He offers rehab because his "ex" was also an alcoholic and she would not go....what you slowly realize is the "ex" is not an "ex" and you are a surrogate for what he could not do there....in fact she is no "ex" at all...
If you light yourself on fire in front of someone....that someone begging for the truth...have the strength to say it...let your ego go.....
TRUTH -
What is it about truth that scares people so?
Ghandi said "There is no God higher than truth...
So what do you have to lose?
To lie is to spread a cancer of hurt, deceit, confusion....
Just lay it out there the good, the bad and the ugly.
Who cares what people think?
Do you really believe that you can open their closets and find nothing hidden?
So you are broken...share it
So you are hurt...share it
So you can't understand your own mind....share it
In doing so...i guarantee you will change others for the better even if you never see it, get credit for it, get the hopes they planted on you....
You will have done good.
When you are blessed to be in the "all is working space" and everything is flowing smoothly grab it and use the "moments of clarity" to spread what you are experiencing.
When you fall do the same.
Is it truly possible that you are the only one who has seen this?
Your pain over a lost pair of shoes can be as devastating as a cheating boyfriend to another....
Have compassion...learn to listen...to see what is being blessedly reflected to you.
We are all one in this experience.
None of our pain is more valid that the next.
None of our success is more valid than the next.
When we realize that if we all were stripped to our bare souls we feel the same, we hurt the same, we love the same, we grieve the same, we feel loss, we feel happiness...the TRUTH to it is that we are trained to express and "put on a face" from very young, very innocent ages and that travels with us through life unless...and there are many reasons...we get a huge hit, we feel a pull inside or as most of us have chosen...we break to the point of complete hopelessness....God bless the "bungled and botched"....
For we are the truth tellers...no better, no worse, no more insightful....just have a gene that makes us at one point KNOW that the TRUTH is all the matters.
I walk my house of 23 years and I can find only 6 things i want to save...the rest i am selling and the perfect persons are coming for those items....the universe keeps giving if we realize....your hurt is no bigger than mine and mine is no bigger than yours....that some are on this go around to not feel hurt at all...there is "My Tribe" out there...little by little I am being forced to meet them and than thank the powers that be that i have broken into a million pieces because here they come...we know each other instantly....now I just have to have to confidence to let them in...learn to weed out the others...that is the only way to go forward..."live and let live".....
What is it about truth that scares people so?
Ghandi said "There is no God higher than truth...
So what do you have to lose?
To lie is to spread a cancer of hurt, deceit, confusion....
Just lay it out there the good, the bad and the ugly.
Who cares what people think?
Do you really believe that you can open their closets and find nothing hidden?
So you are broken...share it
So you are hurt...share it
So you can't understand your own mind....share it
In doing so...i guarantee you will change others for the better even if you never see it, get credit for it, get the hopes they planted on you....
You will have done good.
When you are blessed to be in the "all is working space" and everything is flowing smoothly grab it and use the "moments of clarity" to spread what you are experiencing.
When you fall do the same.
Is it truly possible that you are the only one who has seen this?
Your pain over a lost pair of shoes can be as devastating as a cheating boyfriend to another....
Have compassion...learn to listen...to see what is being blessedly reflected to you.
We are all one in this experience.
None of our pain is more valid that the next.
None of our success is more valid than the next.
When we realize that if we all were stripped to our bare souls we feel the same, we hurt the same, we love the same, we grieve the same, we feel loss, we feel happiness...the TRUTH to it is that we are trained to express and "put on a face" from very young, very innocent ages and that travels with us through life unless...and there are many reasons...we get a huge hit, we feel a pull inside or as most of us have chosen...we break to the point of complete hopelessness....God bless the "bungled and botched"....
For we are the truth tellers...no better, no worse, no more insightful....just have a gene that makes us at one point KNOW that the TRUTH is all the matters.
I walk my house of 23 years and I can find only 6 things i want to save...the rest i am selling and the perfect persons are coming for those items....the universe keeps giving if we realize....your hurt is no bigger than mine and mine is no bigger than yours....that some are on this go around to not feel hurt at all...there is "My Tribe" out there...little by little I am being forced to meet them and than thank the powers that be that i have broken into a million pieces because here they come...we know each other instantly....now I just have to have to confidence to let them in...learn to weed out the others...that is the only way to go forward..."live and let live".....
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
When you tell the truth...
so you tell someone that you have an addiction to alcohol. They say they want to help...but they don't really know what they are getting into...the ups the downs....the mood swings...the 17 days then slip...how much their words mean...that we see and pick up on the smallest inflections...that not letting go of the ex as the therapist advised does actually allow you to ask why....and not be attacked for asking...but we are sick...we are usually co-dependent as well as numbing ourselves...promises made and taken away are like cutting us off at the knees..."didn't think you could do it"....then why offer? Offers give hope. Make us feel believed in again...make us want to be better...then poof gone and we see we are nothing more than skin and bone to be lied to. Why can't i do that to anyone?
Friday, March 30, 2012
Diagnosis after diagnosis
This time it is bi-polar...but the manic is "anger"...i think to myself duh....now help me...he looks down at me over half rimmed glasses...best chance is Seroquel....you mean the drug they give you in the...what it is called the 57/50 or 72 hour hold?...the drug that makes you shuffle to your meals and with half a pickled brain you know they are doing it to keep you under control...keep the staff to a minimum...but there are always a few good nurses who speak to me like a human...imparting their wordly wisdom...sincerely...i feel it...get it together...you have so much to give...and i do...but i can't find it any more...so again i return...go through the same hold...the same truly "lost" attaching themselves to me...me who believes once you know what the main issue is...you are half way to healing. Words from when i ran a successful store, had confidence to spare, could dispense wisdom that can make a woman lose 50 pounds...it ran through me like a gift...it was not ego...it was not me...it was the energy...i tried a guided meditation a few months ago...it was beautiful...as we reached the bottom of the stairway we were being led to and got in the crystal pure water i saw ME...and she was holding a box...she opened it...she said "I have been holding this for you"....it was a pure a shining light...pure and shining light. I felt on air until i saw myself again....scared and alone...not good enough...someone right there to make light of my experience...crushed the whole damn thing...why because they could not find their spot. IN ALL BE HAPPY FOR THOSE WHO FIND ONE STEP FORWARD....even if you have not. In the end there is not one of us not touched by some pain...I drink to numb myself....if I repeat...forgive me...here's to more bungled and botched out there...find your light...doesn't mean you have to stand in line at the local chain coffee, bagel or juice bar but if you do...find the strength to look them in the eye...fake a smile if you have to....
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Finding the Truth
Truth has been this word to haunt me for some time now...it is not that i claim to always say the truth though i am pretty honest...i say pretty honest because sometimes i still hold back but that is called lying by omission. Someone once said to me that people reveal their truth pretty early after meeting them...of course this was about a man at the time. I couldn't hear it because it meant something too painful but now with time i see that is one of the most valuable tidbits I have ever heard. Most of the time we don't want to see the truth before us because it does represent or would lead to a pain we do not want to face...who wants to face any pain...so we chose to turn the other cheek or give room where we shouldn't.
This lesson hit me hard over the last four months. From it I realized...especially if you are a woman...believe your gut...it will never steer you wrong...and for everyone...when it doesn't feel right it just isn't...when things don't make sense...they don't and when you are 100% in the wrong...it is mathematically impossible....
Live your truth...good, bad and ugly...in it is beauty.
This lesson hit me hard over the last four months. From it I realized...especially if you are a woman...believe your gut...it will never steer you wrong...and for everyone...when it doesn't feel right it just isn't...when things don't make sense...they don't and when you are 100% in the wrong...it is mathematically impossible....
Live your truth...good, bad and ugly...in it is beauty.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)