Today I Cracked...Broke Open...

I create...that is what I do and who I am...spent the first part of the day setting up for an "Artist of the Month" show...that artist being me...at the gallery/warehouse of a friend who fell into the same 'salvage' , 'rework', 'restore' business I am doing when mortgage brokerage no longer fit him.  He has a keen eye and seems to have been born to do this as well....the items he finds blow me away...but in return he likes my "stylized" painting...for me it began as therapy...for him a new direction...to look at him you'd never guess...but dang he is good....the luxury of a wife to take care of the home, a self confidence in himself and a wonderful personality allow him the time to search as i love to search for things whatever they may be...I watch him at various Flea Markets and off he'll go, come back with this amazing item...$3 he'll say...floors me...but I love to watch creation....we were just lucky enough to be put next to one another at a flea market...though we had briefly met before...I was not at my best...another story...

Anyway, i drove away to come home finish up goods for Saturday and it hit me...hit me like a street fight kick to the stomach...next exit pronto...pulled into a Safeway parking lot...turning inside out...breath not coming to me...white knuckles on the wheel...my parrot in his cage next to me...looking over for assurance...found shade parked...opened the door and wandered through the quiet section of the lot where we were...then it happened...could it have been visual to anyone passing by it would have looked like a The thick skin of the hulk (green one not wrestler) breaking off in large chunks...underneath a dark ooze...rolling down to the next piece that broke away as I walked in circles...a trail of this would have been visible...it seemed a 110 degrees...the chunks could shred a tire...speaking calmly to my parrot who in his infinite wisdom began to preen himself and let me on my way...i didn't go far...off my shoulders, my legs, my arms, my back...these pieces fell...that goo sliding off...I could feel the anger it held, the self pity, the tunnel vision, lack of empathy...I could feel the anger did not like being stuck to the hot black asphalt drying...then the tears...the tears for so much pain...the tears for so much pain caused...the tears for that selfish ME, ME, ME self...the tears, then sobs...great heaving sobs...for losses I and only I caused...for cruelty towards innocent people trying to help, sobs for those not so innocent who demanded more than i could give...sobs for not seeing that everyone carries something and should be treated gently...sobs for the 'empathy' i used to pride myself having in spades...maybe years ago or maybe only when things were "good"...money in the bank...success as deemed by accomplishment and praise...having had a dream and making hit happen...someone once told me it is easy to cover mistakes when the volume you are moving is large...who was I to judge how you should go through your shit?  Clearly I could see the circles i walked...the thick hide melting...the dark goo drying away...I wanted to reach out but to who?  Hadn't i just spent the last two years pushing everyone and i mean everyone away from me?  Wet cat in a bag...Who would understand?  Who would answer?  Should they anyway?  Vomited next to a Crepe Myrtle tree...lucky some shopper didn't call the police...must have been a site...though i never thought of it...I dialed one person...maybe i was having a breakdown but knew I wasn't...the smartest person i have ever known..."no way was he going to touch this"...he has a life to live now...chose happiness over my sickness...and in the depths you did not want to be near it...my epiphany or out of body experience or meltdown or breakdown was not/is not and will not and rightfully so be part of his life now.  History, love, miracle, years of longing...."sister i wish you well but you and i both know you have a long way to go"..."you are on your own now"..."I will hope the best from afar"...these words i believe he would have said...he is too smart to pick up and knows...because as I said...he is the smartest man i have ever known...most beautiful heart and loved me for a brief time..also knew when to go back home....knew when to 'fish or cut bait'....did which ever is best for the self...I guess fish?...I admire his ability to stay silent...to move on...to honor his own life and anyone in it not to step back...
Sobbed at least 2 quarts of tears...though my 6' frame now hold about 125 pounds...felt even lighter...of course I am not stupid...this is not the end....the real work begins...
My home of 24 will be sold in days...people tell me to plan...I have NEVER in my life planned...these are the only 2 plans i can be assured of "no one with a penis can come near me"....and once house gone, parrot settled in foster care...the travel i have written about for over a decade will commence...life is hard when you have to live your own words of advice...things can be packed, donated, given away...time we don't get back...things are things even a home you loved and now see was the albatross around your neck...so i commit to moment by moment again...being "Artist of the month"...make ammends where and when i can and accept if they are not wanted...

Need to stop....glad no one reads this...but happy to have it here...if I had one wish right now it would be a little boat on the Delta...dusk has always been my favorite time of day...all can feel so right with the world...in the reeds...do I have $1400?...gonna go look...

Indeed a beautiful day...over all...minute by minute...second by second...I create...that is what i do....