Breaking Through the Wall -
If you have ever broken - been broken, blamed, lied to, deceived, loved with all your heart two card carrying Sociopaths within 4 years - one is an experience that can take you half a life to get over - the last one had his fiance a few miles away - his succubus - I do not mean that negatively it is their chemistry - no one will break it - no matter how it was 30 years ago - now i watch as the parrot I love more than anything becomes confused, hides, loses weight and consistently calls the name of the last Sociopath in the most pathetic sad voice I have ever heard over and over...why I don't know...he betrayed him as well...but i feel my parrot was trying to show him what "love" truly was...now feels he missed the mark, failed...wonders how he was abandoned... you can't explain to a parrot that "such is life"...people are weird...and how sorry I am he was taken advantage of as well...and I am not there to console him because that very same sociopath is why we are selling our home...I know you heard those promises but he had to go back...tried to explain Sociopath, the lack of empathy, the ease of lying like taking a breath...their deep insecurity...the power he felt twisting the knife...that if his own flesh and blood were on fire in front of him and save them he had to tell the truth his relative would perish...but I tell my parrot just keep sending him that love with your calls of his name...you have much more of a connection with this world around us than any human will ever have... all while packing our house, each day that 7 months he came and went all hours all excused and all that occurred making more sense...he earned and wears with false confidence his crown...I have to apologize to my sweet confused parrot for not leaving when I tried to commit suicide and Sociopath 11 fell asleep after I begged him to call 911 and just before hitting the kitchen floor...stayed in his desert retirement community 5 more days...but did send a photo of him out on his motorcycle...that was sweet...the next morning when I was throwing up in a bucket while on the phone with him crying "don't let me die"..."I have to all 911"..."my ears aren't working" he said NO you cannot...do you know what will happen to you? What will happen to me...then shared a story of a gun shooting exercise for work...guess what he does for a living!...and how an ear plug fell out and he couldn't hear for a few days...see being a sociopath him coming to my life when i was broken and begging for someone to "believe in"...pouring insecurity and weakness out my pours was a gift...day 3 I am sure he already had his hooks in me...knew it was wrong but so weak accepted it...said he didn't want to come home early...that he had already come home early for me...see taking away what little worth you had and rejecting all the love you wanted to give and feel...the lies he told you, the plans he shared...just weeks in setting the tone for me being "less than"...come on falling asleep instead of calling 911?...and I stayed? How sick was I...but he tends to gravitate to alcoholics...broken women...I tell my parrot this who by the way sat at the end of my bed while i sweat the bottle of aspirin and all that vodka from my system occasionally getting up to vomit black goo...nothing to drink in the house but tap water...and stayed when he returned...tried to get sober for this person...got worse...much worse....then got blamed for getting worse...now my fault...called a Buffoon...ignored, my anger unacceptable, my questions unanswered, the miscarrying of his child ignored...a thousand calls and e-mails ignored...the bleeding and pain left for me to feel alone...Sociopaths live to cause pain it covers what truly is a deep insecurity...maybe i should not write this but it is eating what is left of me...maybe releasing it and very few read this anyway it will allow me to find the strength to get up again tomorrow...now drained of adrenalin and begin using the fluids from my kidneys and liver to stay upright...keep packing...hoping bone marrow is in ok shape to take you to the end...of losing the house he promised 3 times to save with no intention of ever doing so...taking pride that each month more debt piled on...still the ever present fiance with a vice grip around his testicles and I stayed...until he had filled himself with my pain...chest puffed by his power...still professing to my 80 year old mother that I was the love of his life...if only i could get my shit together...yet ever blaming, ever blaming, ever blaming me...ever blaming anyone but himself...only between 3 to 5% of the population are true Sociopaths like this one...I loved two...I had better odds of winning the Mega Million Lottery...God bless the next woman...and God I have to ask why?...I survived...many women don't...I will move on...Sociopath one said "you will lose everything including your precious house"...Sociopath II made sure that happened...walked away all fault belonging to me...him innocent...knowing his plan was executed perfectly...small smirk...except I do wonder would he have cried had I died that night last December?...No he would not have...but his last words to me were "Don't hate me"...who then is sicker..more broken?
Here is the TRUTH to this and any unfortunate to love a Sociopath...it is not you...mine came with carrying deceit, a fiance, lies and an agenda...I came with nothing but belief and love...if it happens to you...you will do the same...they bring the toolbox of hate...you bring a heart and a belief in their words...but your GUT will know and try to warn you...mine did early...I beg you to listen...then RUN....
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Countdown...
13 days left in the house...no home I have been in so long...today I had the opportunity to spend a little time with the husband half of the couple buying it...made things a bit easier for me since he loves the exact things about this house that I do...to be honest I have not made it easy to complete this transaction...there were promises made...sure i referenced those somewhere along the line...those promises made did not come to fruition...guess was wishing for a Hail Mary...but it didn't come...the only reason though that i even wanted a Hail Mary was because this house is so damn wonderful...but I made it that way...plus it does have great bones...great brick work...later in the day the wife half came for one of the quotes...Never one to shy away even after making an ass of myself I went to talk to them both...she immediately said she felt SO lucky to be able to buy this house...all bad feelings gone...all anger gone...all hate gone...that comment alone combined with the time her husband and I spoke and I watched him being a first time home buyer remembering back to when I was there...sharing stories...showing old pictures while he waited... making suggestions...feeling still connected for these last days...
Ok...so boring I know...here I will make it even worse...with all the crap I have gone through these last couple of years up until...Mr. I have loved you for 28 years, I'll loan you the money to save your house...blah, blah, blah...came and had a fiance on the side who owns his very soul...something of course i wasn't told nor was the therapist i took him to so he would KNOW me and what I had been through....funny that the alcoholic had to take these grown up steps...while the sober with responsible job was the liar...yikes...obviously still fighting this one...here is what i was getting to...I actually 'sold' the house 'did not lose the house'....should have been in foreclosure a year ago...either i am the luckiest homeowner or it was meant to be saved by me or it was meant to be sold...so it is sold...so i get to walk with money...when so many others don't...why me?...there must be something i am supposed to be doing on this planet...first and foremost...no more 'vampires'...thank you....not the movie version...the life version...I wiped your tears when you learned to cry held against my broken life and in arms that could not even hold myself any longer...I held you while you finally mourned your mother...me the alcoholic showed you that you were not made of stone (sorry to repeat this gotta get it out) yet you could turn on a dime and rip me to shreds, lie, deceive, confuse, degrade, attack...dang...gotta stop writing...it is going all back to him and I need that to end...come to terms with being a 'revenge pinata' for him...LOVE so far from the equation...be grateful...be grateful that so many new people have come...this is your test woman...can you let go?....can you see beauty in others and stop the obsessing over one of 7 billion people on the planet?....stop the cycle of abuse?....see yourself as others see you?...see yourself as you know you can be, have been and not give that fat *$!# another moment of your time?....can you break a lifetime habit?....this is the only reason he entered your life again...so take the opportunity to DO IT...."balls to the wall" right?....or as recently told...the only way it will end is to "know it has ended and tell yourself all day long"....ok...#468..."It is over, it never was"....#469..."It is over, it never was"....going to go pack my winter coats....
13 days left in the house...no home I have been in so long...today I had the opportunity to spend a little time with the husband half of the couple buying it...made things a bit easier for me since he loves the exact things about this house that I do...to be honest I have not made it easy to complete this transaction...there were promises made...sure i referenced those somewhere along the line...those promises made did not come to fruition...guess was wishing for a Hail Mary...but it didn't come...the only reason though that i even wanted a Hail Mary was because this house is so damn wonderful...but I made it that way...plus it does have great bones...great brick work...later in the day the wife half came for one of the quotes...Never one to shy away even after making an ass of myself I went to talk to them both...she immediately said she felt SO lucky to be able to buy this house...all bad feelings gone...all anger gone...all hate gone...that comment alone combined with the time her husband and I spoke and I watched him being a first time home buyer remembering back to when I was there...sharing stories...showing old pictures while he waited... making suggestions...feeling still connected for these last days...
Ok...so boring I know...here I will make it even worse...with all the crap I have gone through these last couple of years up until...Mr. I have loved you for 28 years, I'll loan you the money to save your house...blah, blah, blah...came and had a fiance on the side who owns his very soul...something of course i wasn't told nor was the therapist i took him to so he would KNOW me and what I had been through....funny that the alcoholic had to take these grown up steps...while the sober with responsible job was the liar...yikes...obviously still fighting this one...here is what i was getting to...I actually 'sold' the house 'did not lose the house'....should have been in foreclosure a year ago...either i am the luckiest homeowner or it was meant to be saved by me or it was meant to be sold...so it is sold...so i get to walk with money...when so many others don't...why me?...there must be something i am supposed to be doing on this planet...first and foremost...no more 'vampires'...thank you....not the movie version...the life version...I wiped your tears when you learned to cry held against my broken life and in arms that could not even hold myself any longer...I held you while you finally mourned your mother...me the alcoholic showed you that you were not made of stone (sorry to repeat this gotta get it out) yet you could turn on a dime and rip me to shreds, lie, deceive, confuse, degrade, attack...dang...gotta stop writing...it is going all back to him and I need that to end...come to terms with being a 'revenge pinata' for him...LOVE so far from the equation...be grateful...be grateful that so many new people have come...this is your test woman...can you let go?....can you see beauty in others and stop the obsessing over one of 7 billion people on the planet?....stop the cycle of abuse?....see yourself as others see you?...see yourself as you know you can be, have been and not give that fat *$!# another moment of your time?....can you break a lifetime habit?....this is the only reason he entered your life again...so take the opportunity to DO IT...."balls to the wall" right?....or as recently told...the only way it will end is to "know it has ended and tell yourself all day long"....ok...#468..."It is over, it never was"....#469..."It is over, it never was"....going to go pack my winter coats....
Friday, June 8, 2012
Friends -
There are so many quotes regarding "friendship" out there...years ago my store was filled with uplifting quotes in every type from magnets to 36" wooden signs for the wall...the friendship ones always seemed to not ring true...except the one that read something like "a friend will pick you up from jail but your best friend will be sitting next to you saying...that was amazing"...or something close...I have not had many women friends in this life...I can share many reasons as to why...trust, not getting them, jealousy...ok here is where I actually have to say something "ego-ish" about myself so I will just jump in...most women friends going back to high school have had 'issues' with me...not having the same "boy crazy" goals as they did I exuded a more comfortable vibe for boys that continues into 'men'...I am not 'searching' so there is a comfort level in that for the opposite sex...never looked at it as anything more than there may be some pheramone produced by "wanting" that makes boys/men naturally turn on some "power" trip thing...if you aren't exuding that they feel more comfortable with you...see you just wanting to have fun...being out...talk to every and anyone..."friends" don't like that...but it is like "how do I be anyone but myself?"...just for you and that things aren't working out the way you planned..."did i not make the effort to stop and take him over and introduce him to you?"...but still the silent treatment on the drive home....
Now I find myself all these years later still that way...or can be when in right frame of mind or let me just be honest "not in pissed off alcoholic mode"...pushing in on half a century...yet all of a sudden I am meeting women who are not like that...they talk of the 'friendship of women' and all of a sudden i can relate...they speak of the same things that perplex me...they only want to help...they desire to support you..all the competition is gone...they are comfortable in their skin as I always was and hope to be again soon...ironically it was men who tore the large healing chunks off me...funny after writing the above right? Just the last 2...totaling almost 3 years down for me...not bad...but back to women friends...being of this age I find myself with mad respect for a lot of the women i am meeting...they are strong, fearless, independent plus they support each other all the competition gone...they have outgrown it...life has given them so many experiences that they no longer feel the need to add that or have found their man or have then lost him or have never found him or have been hurt by them...that i think being the true connecting factor...and all of a sudden we are not strangers to each other...we have WAR stories to tell and we see the absurdity of it...no longer give a shit...chalk it up...have fallen, gotten up and started over...and we help each other do so...it has been truly eye opening to meet these women but life has always had my back when I pay attention and realize...just wrote someone and realized I have lead 8 completely different lives so far...2 weeks from now life 9 begins...in earnest...knew this one was the freight train of chapters...must be why i fought tooth and nail on some level not to face it...this is my trial by fire chapter...to some a child's game...others overwhelming...tragic...to me 50/50 fear and excitement...want to get that number to 20/80 fear and excitement. Took a huge leap tonight writing with complete honesty to my past and saying goodbye, good luck, finally marry her, thank you, wish for you, hope you have, remember, you were, this sucked, done, respect, would have been nice to have one real conversation, this is why....to one who may just end up being the motivator to "go already"...hope so...otherwise the pantry kiss would mean nothing......
There are so many quotes regarding "friendship" out there...years ago my store was filled with uplifting quotes in every type from magnets to 36" wooden signs for the wall...the friendship ones always seemed to not ring true...except the one that read something like "a friend will pick you up from jail but your best friend will be sitting next to you saying...that was amazing"...or something close...I have not had many women friends in this life...I can share many reasons as to why...trust, not getting them, jealousy...ok here is where I actually have to say something "ego-ish" about myself so I will just jump in...most women friends going back to high school have had 'issues' with me...not having the same "boy crazy" goals as they did I exuded a more comfortable vibe for boys that continues into 'men'...I am not 'searching' so there is a comfort level in that for the opposite sex...never looked at it as anything more than there may be some pheramone produced by "wanting" that makes boys/men naturally turn on some "power" trip thing...if you aren't exuding that they feel more comfortable with you...see you just wanting to have fun...being out...talk to every and anyone..."friends" don't like that...but it is like "how do I be anyone but myself?"...just for you and that things aren't working out the way you planned..."did i not make the effort to stop and take him over and introduce him to you?"...but still the silent treatment on the drive home....
Now I find myself all these years later still that way...or can be when in right frame of mind or let me just be honest "not in pissed off alcoholic mode"...pushing in on half a century...yet all of a sudden I am meeting women who are not like that...they talk of the 'friendship of women' and all of a sudden i can relate...they speak of the same things that perplex me...they only want to help...they desire to support you..all the competition is gone...they are comfortable in their skin as I always was and hope to be again soon...ironically it was men who tore the large healing chunks off me...funny after writing the above right? Just the last 2...totaling almost 3 years down for me...not bad...but back to women friends...being of this age I find myself with mad respect for a lot of the women i am meeting...they are strong, fearless, independent plus they support each other all the competition gone...they have outgrown it...life has given them so many experiences that they no longer feel the need to add that or have found their man or have then lost him or have never found him or have been hurt by them...that i think being the true connecting factor...and all of a sudden we are not strangers to each other...we have WAR stories to tell and we see the absurdity of it...no longer give a shit...chalk it up...have fallen, gotten up and started over...and we help each other do so...it has been truly eye opening to meet these women but life has always had my back when I pay attention and realize...just wrote someone and realized I have lead 8 completely different lives so far...2 weeks from now life 9 begins...in earnest...knew this one was the freight train of chapters...must be why i fought tooth and nail on some level not to face it...this is my trial by fire chapter...to some a child's game...others overwhelming...tragic...to me 50/50 fear and excitement...want to get that number to 20/80 fear and excitement. Took a huge leap tonight writing with complete honesty to my past and saying goodbye, good luck, finally marry her, thank you, wish for you, hope you have, remember, you were, this sucked, done, respect, would have been nice to have one real conversation, this is why....to one who may just end up being the motivator to "go already"...hope so...otherwise the pantry kiss would mean nothing......
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
In Love With Creation....
I have found myself in this world where what i love to do is part a community...a word I have written before has been in my mind before I fell into hell...these people who are that community...it thrills me to see people...mostly women and one man...creating from the heart and sharing themselves so openly...again I am the "featured artist" at a store with a collection of "artistic types"...while i was mired in self pity they were going forward with what i thought of 3 years ago...and by the sheer grace of God I am included...find myself doing what I do best "take beautiful things and put them together in a way that shows off their beauty"....it is my gift...a gift that is driving me towards as my friend said "on the verge of something huge"...sharing ideas...seeing the vision of another...telling them to "have no fear" when they admire the way I can paint something...some of these people are in a universe of their own yet they admire what I do...and in turn I admire what they do...think they are so much better than I am yet they stop and admire what I do...and what comes from my heart...what comes from me looking at something and seeing beauty where others see trash...that comment right there also encompasses the way I look at people as a whole...part being a Libra...part being the product of such cruelty...seeing people at their ugliest...the people who you are to trust the most...people who know just the right words to say at just the right time...yet the words are ugly and empty in the end...then I see someone "true of heart"...no matter their status in life...their income...homeless...successful by society terms...been hurt so deeply they can't let go and a bit of my heart heals because I can relate...I can listen...I can give when I think there is no more to give...in return i feel lighter...safer...more confident...more connected...in the end we are all searching...
Creating...as I do...saved my life...it was not a person...it was the sheer act of making something beautiful from something ugly that saved my life...and in that I see so clearly that I have to leave all my ugliness behind...the darkness I have seen, heard, been the "whipping boy" of and just create...create myself...give to those that are on the same life plane as myself...for the last 3 days I have been immersed in these people...being given the front and center space I am visited by everyone as I set up what I do...each day I say "have no fear"...those words are sinking in... today a woman came in with a piece of furniture she painted and she told me I just heard you say..."NO FEAR"...and I did it...is there anything better in life than to build someone up? Is there anything worse than to tear them down?
Deep in alcoholism...I tore at people...in hopes I would feel better...forgetting everything I loved about life...I am so deeply sorry...I will repeat this over and over until I forgive myself...life has a way of giving you a second chance...have the courage to recognize it...it will fade, grow, overwhelm, seem to die and old ways and people will want to sneak back in during those cracks...but with courage you will not let them...paths open before us...it is up to us to step on and use our "grown up" words...no half truths...and move on...close a door...let go of the familiar because sometimes the familiar is awful yet we can still be comfortable there knowing just how it will go...how it will feel...how it will end...the part we will play in it...victim, power grabber, liar, controller, "player", poor sad me...but, but, but look at what he/she did...in times like those I am forever grateful to "create"....in all ways...
Someone sent this -
Just say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't expect someone to read your mind and don't play games with heads and hearts. Don't tell half truths and expect trust when the full truth comes out. Half truths are no better than lies. Don't be cold to someone you care about, cause indifference hurts more than angry words.
My take...anyone who shuts you out when you are reaching out and can't/won't use their "grown up" words or chooses silence is NOT WORTH A MOMENT MORE OF YOUR LIFE......
I have found myself in this world where what i love to do is part a community...a word I have written before has been in my mind before I fell into hell...these people who are that community...it thrills me to see people...mostly women and one man...creating from the heart and sharing themselves so openly...again I am the "featured artist" at a store with a collection of "artistic types"...while i was mired in self pity they were going forward with what i thought of 3 years ago...and by the sheer grace of God I am included...find myself doing what I do best "take beautiful things and put them together in a way that shows off their beauty"....it is my gift...a gift that is driving me towards as my friend said "on the verge of something huge"...sharing ideas...seeing the vision of another...telling them to "have no fear" when they admire the way I can paint something...some of these people are in a universe of their own yet they admire what I do...and in turn I admire what they do...think they are so much better than I am yet they stop and admire what I do...and what comes from my heart...what comes from me looking at something and seeing beauty where others see trash...that comment right there also encompasses the way I look at people as a whole...part being a Libra...part being the product of such cruelty...seeing people at their ugliest...the people who you are to trust the most...people who know just the right words to say at just the right time...yet the words are ugly and empty in the end...then I see someone "true of heart"...no matter their status in life...their income...homeless...successful by society terms...been hurt so deeply they can't let go and a bit of my heart heals because I can relate...I can listen...I can give when I think there is no more to give...in return i feel lighter...safer...more confident...more connected...in the end we are all searching...
Creating...as I do...saved my life...it was not a person...it was the sheer act of making something beautiful from something ugly that saved my life...and in that I see so clearly that I have to leave all my ugliness behind...the darkness I have seen, heard, been the "whipping boy" of and just create...create myself...give to those that are on the same life plane as myself...for the last 3 days I have been immersed in these people...being given the front and center space I am visited by everyone as I set up what I do...each day I say "have no fear"...those words are sinking in... today a woman came in with a piece of furniture she painted and she told me I just heard you say..."NO FEAR"...and I did it...is there anything better in life than to build someone up? Is there anything worse than to tear them down?
Deep in alcoholism...I tore at people...in hopes I would feel better...forgetting everything I loved about life...I am so deeply sorry...I will repeat this over and over until I forgive myself...life has a way of giving you a second chance...have the courage to recognize it...it will fade, grow, overwhelm, seem to die and old ways and people will want to sneak back in during those cracks...but with courage you will not let them...paths open before us...it is up to us to step on and use our "grown up" words...no half truths...and move on...close a door...let go of the familiar because sometimes the familiar is awful yet we can still be comfortable there knowing just how it will go...how it will feel...how it will end...the part we will play in it...victim, power grabber, liar, controller, "player", poor sad me...but, but, but look at what he/she did...in times like those I am forever grateful to "create"....in all ways...
Someone sent this -
Just say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't expect someone to read your mind and don't play games with heads and hearts. Don't tell half truths and expect trust when the full truth comes out. Half truths are no better than lies. Don't be cold to someone you care about, cause indifference hurts more than angry words.
My take...anyone who shuts you out when you are reaching out and can't/won't use their "grown up" words or chooses silence is NOT WORTH A MOMENT MORE OF YOUR LIFE......
Sunday, June 3, 2012
My Tribe...
Some people come, some come and go quickly, some stay and some you know are always there...each has their role for both sides...tonight one of my dearest, most connected to....yet don't see all the time but know he is always there....popped into my head...sent text...he had been thinking of me today (yesterday) as well. He has a fast motorcycle and I thought after a hard day wouldn't it be nice to take it out...we did...you know that scene in Star Trek where they reach 'warp speed' and the stars are flying past leaving trails? That was how it felt on one straight away...over to Santa Cruz...my Ipod playing under the helmet...weaving in and out of traffic...felt like 'pure freedom'....I have no fear of riding on the back of a motorcycle...in fact LOVE it...fast, slow...meandering...went to the ocean...sat under an almost full moon in the company of someone who makes me feel 'calm' which is no small feat for me or someone else...he is part of my 'tribe'...those that forgive, don't take things personally, don't seek revenge, call you "crazy" when you are acting it but are not cruel about it...hug you when you need it...listen when you want to talk...know that you are not necessarily seeking answers, just an ear...and you would do the exact same for them...have "aha" moments with...they aren't afraid of your secrets and you aren't afraid of theirs...he used the word 'empathy' tonight...a word i have used a lot recently...but mostly in the form of 'so and so lacks empathy'...without empathy you are missing 98% of life...things like that...slowly I am rebuilding my tribe...and from them I will both learn and re-learn parts of myself that I have forgotten or have numbed into almost non existence...I am constantly blessed and reminded to have gratitude...I hope like hell that he can get away to meet me at the pyramids when I get there...he has always like me...wanted to see them...stand next to them...experience the magnitude of their size which anyone who has gone tells me is what blew them away first...television just can't capture how huge they are...the blocks alone...I love re-finding people you love just as they are and they do the same right back at you...thank you my friend for tonight...it was perfect...
My mother had left a message while we were gone...a beautiful message reminding me that even though we have not been close...she wanted me to know I am not alone in all the change I am going through...though she lives half way across the country wanted me to know I am not alone in all this change that as exciting as it is to begin has its' pains and heartaches as well...she is part of my tribe...and not just because she is my mother...talk about learn and relearn...we have had many bouts of that to love one another being so different from each other...yet so similar...every daughters nightmare...I made a promise to myself tonight to not listen any longer to those who say..."but she wasn't there for you..."she didn't for you this or that"...."she never"...usually when I am thinking selflessly and want to help her....or so that I don't reach a hand out to her and instead exact some sort of revenge...always against what my heart says...and instead look at her as the product of her own mother who was the product of hers on back through time...if I don't change the pattern who will? But, not having children myself I can only pass it on to my tribe...recently someone said to me "Let's just be nicer to one another."...so simple and so right on...
I am not a young woman any longer...my heart is still mending from the person I thought was "My One"...but each day my little tribe grows...with them and time my heart will heal..."I'll just be nicer to everyone"...seems a good place to start...
Some people come, some come and go quickly, some stay and some you know are always there...each has their role for both sides...tonight one of my dearest, most connected to....yet don't see all the time but know he is always there....popped into my head...sent text...he had been thinking of me today (yesterday) as well. He has a fast motorcycle and I thought after a hard day wouldn't it be nice to take it out...we did...you know that scene in Star Trek where they reach 'warp speed' and the stars are flying past leaving trails? That was how it felt on one straight away...over to Santa Cruz...my Ipod playing under the helmet...weaving in and out of traffic...felt like 'pure freedom'....I have no fear of riding on the back of a motorcycle...in fact LOVE it...fast, slow...meandering...went to the ocean...sat under an almost full moon in the company of someone who makes me feel 'calm' which is no small feat for me or someone else...he is part of my 'tribe'...those that forgive, don't take things personally, don't seek revenge, call you "crazy" when you are acting it but are not cruel about it...hug you when you need it...listen when you want to talk...know that you are not necessarily seeking answers, just an ear...and you would do the exact same for them...have "aha" moments with...they aren't afraid of your secrets and you aren't afraid of theirs...he used the word 'empathy' tonight...a word i have used a lot recently...but mostly in the form of 'so and so lacks empathy'...without empathy you are missing 98% of life...things like that...slowly I am rebuilding my tribe...and from them I will both learn and re-learn parts of myself that I have forgotten or have numbed into almost non existence...I am constantly blessed and reminded to have gratitude...I hope like hell that he can get away to meet me at the pyramids when I get there...he has always like me...wanted to see them...stand next to them...experience the magnitude of their size which anyone who has gone tells me is what blew them away first...television just can't capture how huge they are...the blocks alone...I love re-finding people you love just as they are and they do the same right back at you...thank you my friend for tonight...it was perfect...
My mother had left a message while we were gone...a beautiful message reminding me that even though we have not been close...she wanted me to know I am not alone in all the change I am going through...though she lives half way across the country wanted me to know I am not alone in all this change that as exciting as it is to begin has its' pains and heartaches as well...she is part of my tribe...and not just because she is my mother...talk about learn and relearn...we have had many bouts of that to love one another being so different from each other...yet so similar...every daughters nightmare...I made a promise to myself tonight to not listen any longer to those who say..."but she wasn't there for you..."she didn't for you this or that"...."she never"...usually when I am thinking selflessly and want to help her....or so that I don't reach a hand out to her and instead exact some sort of revenge...always against what my heart says...and instead look at her as the product of her own mother who was the product of hers on back through time...if I don't change the pattern who will? But, not having children myself I can only pass it on to my tribe...recently someone said to me "Let's just be nicer to one another."...so simple and so right on...
I am not a young woman any longer...my heart is still mending from the person I thought was "My One"...but each day my little tribe grows...with them and time my heart will heal..."I'll just be nicer to everyone"...seems a good place to start...
Friday, June 1, 2012
Hate Feeling Hate...
I have never been able to hold 'hateful' feelings towards anyone...believe me my life has had its' fair share of people I should...child abusers, landlords, Sociopath ex who held a gun to my head and intentionally blew out my knee, a sexual predator of a boss...but until now I could let them go...when my life was 'on track'...I could pull from something inside and let it go...let it go in the 'knowing' that something better was always coming...and it always did...I had the capacity to look at them clearly...see them clearly...forgive...move on...but everything is easier when your life is over all better than worse. Someone once said to me about a completely different subject that "when like is clicking it is far easier to cast aside the negative"..."when you have nothing or have lost everything or life has thrown you onto the tracks...there is precious little to pull from"..."you are in uncharted territory"...
So it got me thinking...when you have...and I am no innocent victim to where my life is now...lost what made you, "you"...and you add alcohol...something you never had an issue with before then the sips become shots and the shots become bottles tunnel vision becomes all consuming...like a bad song playing over and over in your head...maybe would not have been so bad had we not had history...maybe not so bad if you were not trained to lie by the profession you chose...saw a struggling 'love of your life'...your words, not mine...could recite events of 28 years ago to the day...said didn't go 3 days without a thought of me over that time...yet still could lie as easily as you breathe...reached out with 3 monumental offers of help only to pull back your hand I was reaching for and believed in to hear you say....Just Kidding, can't, won't, whatever....I digress...this is about me...you are gone...
So, I ask myself...is it truly hate for that person who promised the world, to 'help' you, to 'love' you but had a dark little secret of his own only now from where I stand? Am I hating that I can't let go and know something better is coming as it always had?...Is it ME that I am so mad at today? I'd have to say both...I will take the lions share but no mister man you do not get off scott free...again...you are gone...see how I am in this loop or vortex as I call them?
Did you open up deep wounds that never truly healed...yet to their credit were part of why I have experienced some level of achievement in this world per say...as a child I was always "the watcher"...the youngest of 3 and by 8 years...drug addicts, speed freaks, narcissist family members who by 8 I knew I wanted to be nothing like...so I set out not to be...I was head strong...confident...my awkward years (the teens)...not so clear but by 20 my inner NOPE was set..."not right gotta go now"... later headed down the seeking of a 'spiritual' path that lasted 12 years plus...I flowed much more smoothly...ok some co-dependency...helped others maybe a bit too much...but I couldn't help seeing who they were...and our interactions were usually short and sweet...
Is it truly hate I have or as I stand at the abyss or jumping off point into the 'free fall' am I going through something natural?...is it hate?...or is it fear?...or is it just sadness and disappointment?...I always say I may be struggling with addiction but I am far from stupid...I stand by that...stupid (unwise - let's call them want to be less hard on myself) words, decisions, actions due to the addiction but still have a very finely tuned ability to see clearly...something I had to learn very young or was born with...slight inflections, one different word in the same story being told again...a family of liars I guess...self protection to see "it" coming and get out of the way...a strong gut that screams, tightens and flips..my gut turned inside out very early with you...I stayed and endured the worst pain of my life...again I digress...
Well, I guess in the end...not so sure it is hate after all...thank goodness...more a goulash of...main ingredient to remove?...the crutch...the alcohol...coming soon...
I have never been able to hold 'hateful' feelings towards anyone...believe me my life has had its' fair share of people I should...child abusers, landlords, Sociopath ex who held a gun to my head and intentionally blew out my knee, a sexual predator of a boss...but until now I could let them go...when my life was 'on track'...I could pull from something inside and let it go...let it go in the 'knowing' that something better was always coming...and it always did...I had the capacity to look at them clearly...see them clearly...forgive...move on...but everything is easier when your life is over all better than worse. Someone once said to me about a completely different subject that "when like is clicking it is far easier to cast aside the negative"..."when you have nothing or have lost everything or life has thrown you onto the tracks...there is precious little to pull from"..."you are in uncharted territory"...
So it got me thinking...when you have...and I am no innocent victim to where my life is now...lost what made you, "you"...and you add alcohol...something you never had an issue with before then the sips become shots and the shots become bottles tunnel vision becomes all consuming...like a bad song playing over and over in your head...maybe would not have been so bad had we not had history...maybe not so bad if you were not trained to lie by the profession you chose...saw a struggling 'love of your life'...your words, not mine...could recite events of 28 years ago to the day...said didn't go 3 days without a thought of me over that time...yet still could lie as easily as you breathe...reached out with 3 monumental offers of help only to pull back your hand I was reaching for and believed in to hear you say....Just Kidding, can't, won't, whatever....I digress...this is about me...you are gone...
So, I ask myself...is it truly hate for that person who promised the world, to 'help' you, to 'love' you but had a dark little secret of his own only now from where I stand? Am I hating that I can't let go and know something better is coming as it always had?...Is it ME that I am so mad at today? I'd have to say both...I will take the lions share but no mister man you do not get off scott free...again...you are gone...see how I am in this loop or vortex as I call them?
Did you open up deep wounds that never truly healed...yet to their credit were part of why I have experienced some level of achievement in this world per say...as a child I was always "the watcher"...the youngest of 3 and by 8 years...drug addicts, speed freaks, narcissist family members who by 8 I knew I wanted to be nothing like...so I set out not to be...I was head strong...confident...my awkward years (the teens)...not so clear but by 20 my inner NOPE was set..."not right gotta go now"... later headed down the seeking of a 'spiritual' path that lasted 12 years plus...I flowed much more smoothly...ok some co-dependency...helped others maybe a bit too much...but I couldn't help seeing who they were...and our interactions were usually short and sweet...
Is it truly hate I have or as I stand at the abyss or jumping off point into the 'free fall' am I going through something natural?...is it hate?...or is it fear?...or is it just sadness and disappointment?...I always say I may be struggling with addiction but I am far from stupid...I stand by that...stupid (unwise - let's call them want to be less hard on myself) words, decisions, actions due to the addiction but still have a very finely tuned ability to see clearly...something I had to learn very young or was born with...slight inflections, one different word in the same story being told again...a family of liars I guess...self protection to see "it" coming and get out of the way...a strong gut that screams, tightens and flips..my gut turned inside out very early with you...I stayed and endured the worst pain of my life...again I digress...
Well, I guess in the end...not so sure it is hate after all...thank goodness...more a goulash of...main ingredient to remove?...the crutch...the alcohol...coming soon...
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