Someone Sent Me This Today...

"Change is the law of life...and those who look only to the past or to the present...are sure to miss the future" - JFK

Been so stuck in the past and present that I forgot there is a future coming....no matter what except some unforeseen event that stops it...but old habits are hard to break...wonderful, beautiful new people have been entering my life...i haven't been able to see them clearly...holding on to a dream that never was...never was going to be...the whole while in it forgetting me...so not truly living at all...just consumed and chasing a ghost...I keep asking myself how much more?...plowing ahead in directions that broken promises put me on...let me be honest here...I put me on...then the broken promises came...pushed, pulled, this way then that at the whim of another persons words...though i still feel the desire to sit down and have a talk...just talk...clear the air....closure...i realize this other person cannot do that...what i am writing here is my grief...my grieving process...my acceptance of a life long pattern...yes it is me...but it is you too.

All these last weeks losing a baby that never was...the little safe home inside my uterus was there...the egg sack firmly attached to the wall...but no fetus...pain like i have never felt...of course all the hormonal ups and downs that go with it...adding to me being the "crazy pants" I am...love, hate, sad, happy, compassionate, failure....up, down, up, down...kept my mind off the pain..kept me close to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so...think finally gone...at least ending....thought that a week or so ago when it started...wasn't bad...but this was it...the final goodbye...God in his infinite wisdom knew it was wrong...can't though stop the admission of "If I had ever had a child (never desired one) it would have been with you."....but not me, you and fiance'....thank you universe for seeing what had to happen...

So, today i embrace the change, the miracles, the people...I refuse to miss my future...whatever it holds it will be beautiful...because i am...and i chose to see that...everyone should...