Breaking Through the Wall - 


If you have ever broken - been broken, blamed, lied to, deceived, loved with all your heart two card carrying Sociopaths within 4 years - one is an experience that can take you half a life to get over - the last one had his fiance a few miles away - his succubus - I do not mean that negatively it is their chemistry - no one will break it - no matter how it was 30 years ago - now i watch as the parrot I love more than anything becomes confused, hides, loses  weight and consistently calls the name of the last Sociopath in the most pathetic sad voice I have ever heard over and over...why I don't know...he betrayed him as well...but i feel my parrot was trying to show him what "love" truly was...now feels he missed the mark, failed...wonders how he was abandoned... you can't explain to a parrot that "such is life"...people are weird...and how sorry I am he was taken advantage of as well...and I am not there to console him because that very same sociopath is why we are selling our home...I know you heard those promises but he had to go back...tried to explain Sociopath, the lack of empathy, the ease of lying like taking a breath...their deep insecurity...the power he felt twisting the knife...that if his own flesh and blood were on fire in front of him and save them he had to tell the truth his relative would perish...but I tell my parrot just keep sending him that love with your calls of his name...you have much more of a connection with this world around us than any human will ever have... all while packing our house, each day that 7 months he came and went all hours all excused and all that occurred making more sense...he earned and wears with false confidence his crown...I have to apologize to my sweet confused parrot for not leaving when I tried to commit suicide and Sociopath 11 fell asleep after I begged him to call 911 and just before hitting the kitchen floor...stayed in his desert retirement community 5 more days...but did send a photo of him out on his motorcycle...that was sweet...the next morning when I was throwing up in a bucket while on the phone with him crying "don't let me die"..."I have to all 911"..."my ears aren't working" he said NO you cannot...do you know what will happen to you?  What will happen to me...then shared a story of a gun shooting exercise for work...guess what he does for a living!...and how an ear plug fell out and he couldn't hear for a few days...see being a sociopath him coming to my life when i was broken and begging for someone to "believe in"...pouring insecurity and weakness out my pours was a gift...day 3 I am sure he already had his hooks in me...knew it was wrong but so weak accepted it...said he didn't want to come home early...that he had already come home early for me...see taking away what little worth you had and rejecting all the love you wanted to give and feel...the lies he told you, the plans he shared...just weeks in setting the tone for me being "less than"...come on falling asleep instead of calling 911?...and I stayed?  How sick was I...but he tends to gravitate to alcoholics...broken women...I tell my parrot this who by the way sat at the end of my bed while i sweat the bottle of aspirin and all that vodka from my system occasionally getting up to vomit black goo...nothing to drink in the house but tap water...and stayed when he returned...tried to get sober for this person...got worse...much worse....then got blamed for getting worse...now my fault...called a Buffoon...ignored, my anger unacceptable, my questions unanswered, the miscarrying of his child ignored...a thousand calls and e-mails ignored...the bleeding and pain left for me to feel alone...Sociopaths live to cause pain it covers what truly is a deep insecurity...maybe i should not write this but it is eating what is left of me...maybe releasing it and very few read this anyway it will allow me to find the strength to get up again tomorrow...now drained of adrenalin and begin using the fluids from my kidneys and liver to stay upright...keep packing...hoping bone marrow is in ok shape to take you to the end...of losing the house he promised 3 times to save with no intention of ever doing so...taking pride that each month more debt piled on...still the ever present fiance with a vice grip around his testicles and I stayed...until he had filled himself with my pain...chest puffed by his power...still professing to my 80 year old mother that I was the love of his life...if only i could get my shit together...yet ever blaming, ever blaming, ever blaming me...ever blaming anyone but himself...only between 3 to 5% of the population are true Sociopaths like this one...I loved two...I had better odds of winning the Mega Million Lottery...God bless the next woman...and God I have to ask why?...I survived...many women don't...I will move on...Sociopath one said "you will lose everything including your precious house"...Sociopath II made sure that happened...walked away all fault belonging to me...him innocent...knowing his plan was executed perfectly...small smirk...except I do wonder would he have cried had I died that night last December?...No he would not have...but his last words to me were "Don't hate me"...who then is sicker..more broken?
Here is the TRUTH to this and any unfortunate to love a Sociopath...it is not you...mine came with carrying deceit, a fiance, lies and an agenda...I came with nothing but belief and love...if it happens to you...you will do the same...they bring the toolbox of hate...you bring a heart and a belief in their words...but your GUT will know and try to warn you...mine did early...I beg you to listen...then RUN....