We Are All Working Through Something....

I am dreaming again...same subject every night but I am dreaming...that is a good sign...I have read we work things out in our dreams....week 3 of the same subject...must be working it out...working through.

We are all working through something...some get hit like a a freight train with their "something"....others suffering silence...some know it is happening but are not ready to face it though it is happening right before their eyes...life is saying "pay attention"...."you asked for this"..."do some of the work"...they can't.

I am guilty of being a "fighter"...meaning beating myself senseless trying to show someone or worst make someone see what they are doing...what the very words out of their very mouths are doing.  Now i throw that towel in...work your stuff out....I adopt the "healthy boundaries" therapist mantra now.   Accept the Co-Dependency of my ways...you are not here to fix me and i am not here to fix you.  The GOLDEN RULE though is...it is never ours to be cruel...we can, should and are obliged to use our "grown up" words.

Fighting addiction, the loss of a love story like few have ever known...but was completely fiction read to me and i hung on every word, the loss of my beloved home...no one's fault but my own...I wake up today with gratitude...the sun and sky look different...i feel nothing but hope...even glimpses of the other side...a peace i was searching for outside myself is finding a home inside of me to settle and grow.

I will need that peace each moment of every day...the next bug a boos I will delve into are the one's that brought me here in the first place. They are the story of countless souls walking this earth...child abuse, addicted mother, sister lost to heroin, sister just lost...being "the watcher" as a very small girl...telling myself then "I will not be like this"....I wasn't until life, God, the universe, even myself had different plans for me.

I have always been attracted and compassionate for the Bungled and the Botched of this world.  No one would pick that lifestyle of homelessness, madness, stuck in the vortex of their own heads so deeply that is winds up, the string breaks and there they are forever.  Today I wake up and thank God I am not there forever...was very close...but today I will take my parrot for a ride in the car...he loves that.  I will work in my yard everyday until i lose this home.  But, i created it and can do it again should I want the "American Dream" once more.  What i want next is horses...land...to breathe in deep knowing the worst is behind me.  So thank you Cruel Lying Cop (and you are welcome for opening your heart and finally letting you grieve the death of your mother)...you lied to me in return but thank you anywa, thank you knee breaking Sociopath, thank you speed freak mother....thanks to all of you that came...took the good stuff you needed and ran.  Because now i know i have plenty to spare...after I use it to cleanse myself.

Finally, the words I have heard my whole life "You Are SO Strong" have meaning...I am strong...balance is also on my "to do" list. I am keeping that list short.

Two final things and I have to write everything down having done to my body and brain not to mention liver and kidneys what I have these last two years.

1. Use dignity when you encounter an addict that you like, love, wanted to love, is family and find that your threshold to help is gone.  You couldn't do it...surprise...you can't.   We have feelings...you fight the addiction not the person so don't hurt them more than they are hurting themselves.  But, maybe that is your "what you are going through"....ego...power...whatever...
2. At the end of the day...alone with my dreams...I would still rather be me than anyone else.

No one is not going through something...but it is never acceptable to be cruel...there are countless "Hail Mary's"in my future for the cruel words I have used while drinking...against the innocent and the not so innocent it is never right...but can be what it is...thank God my time was short.  You were my addiction...now I am my rehab...