Friends - 


There are so many quotes regarding "friendship" out there...years ago my store was filled with uplifting quotes in every type from magnets to 36" wooden signs for the wall...the friendship ones always seemed to not ring true...except the one that read something like "a friend will pick you up from jail but your best friend will be sitting next to you saying...that was amazing"...or something close...I have not had many women friends in this life...I can share many reasons as to why...trust, not getting them, jealousy...ok here is where I actually have to say something "ego-ish" about myself so I will just jump in...most women friends going back to high school have had 'issues' with me...not having the same "boy crazy" goals as they did I exuded a more comfortable vibe for boys that continues into 'men'...I am not 'searching' so there is a comfort level in that for the opposite sex...never looked at it as anything more than there may be some pheramone produced by "wanting" that makes boys/men naturally turn on some "power" trip thing...if you aren't exuding that they feel more comfortable with you...see you just wanting to have fun...being out...talk to every and anyone..."friends" don't like that...but it is like "how do I be anyone but myself?"...just for you and that things aren't working out the way you planned..."did i not make the effort to stop and take him over and introduce him to you?"...but still the silent treatment on the drive home....
Now I find myself all these years later still that way...or can be when in right frame of mind or let me just be honest "not in pissed off alcoholic mode"...pushing in on half a century...yet all of a sudden I am meeting women who are not like that...they talk of the 'friendship of women' and all of a sudden i can relate...they speak of the same things that perplex me...they only want to help...they desire to support you..all the competition is gone...they are comfortable in their skin as I always was and hope to be again soon...ironically it was men who tore the large healing chunks off me...funny after writing the above right?  Just the last 2...totaling almost 3 years down for me...not bad...but back to women friends...being of this age I find myself with mad respect for a lot of the women i am meeting...they are strong, fearless, independent plus they support each other all the competition gone...they have outgrown it...life has given them so many experiences that they no longer feel the need to add that or have found their man or have then lost him or have never found him or have been hurt by them...that i think being the true connecting factor...and all of a sudden we are not strangers to each other...we have WAR stories to tell and we see the absurdity of it...no longer give a shit...chalk it up...have fallen, gotten up and started over...and we help each other do so...it has been truly eye opening to meet these women but life has always had my back when I pay attention and realize...just wrote someone and realized I have lead 8 completely different lives so far...2 weeks from now life 9 begins...in earnest...knew this one was the freight train of chapters...must be why i fought tooth and nail on some level not to face it...this is my trial by fire chapter...to some a child's game...others overwhelming...tragic...to me 50/50 fear and excitement...want to get that number to 20/80 fear and excitement.  Took a huge leap tonight writing with complete honesty to my past and saying goodbye, good luck, finally marry her, thank you, wish for you, hope you have, remember, you were, this sucked, done, respect, would have been nice to have one real conversation, this is why....to one who may just end up being the motivator to "go already"...hope so...otherwise the pantry kiss would mean nothing......