The Definition of Crazy -

Is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different result.  What i tend to forget is the 'same thing' feels different as the people are different, their stories are different, their promises different, the experiences they bring are different...yet i remain the same...co-dependent, Bi-Polar, Borderline...whatever the label...

Crazy to me could be nothing more than getting obsessed with a thought where crazy to another could be losing a favorite earring...right now i am crazy and getting crazier by the day...therapists with walls of degrees will say i am drawing the same person to me over and over to learn my lesson.  As a fighter...if Satan himself were in front of me i would go mano a mano with him before backing down...there is something in me that needs to hear what needs to be said...silence is a killer for me...walk away without why and i will go crazy...

So, i do indeed do the same thing over and over and expect a different result...yet each person brings a new story in which i have no reason not to believe until i see...indeed those degrees are right...i am the same person and so are each of them...this is where i have to change...accept the "because of....", or "that's what ??? do"....i have been very sick of that....why is it i have to change...where does their change come in?  But, they as i have been are all the same...

Time someone take the reigns of this thing and see if it can actually change...if crazy can be left behind...if it can be replaced with acceptance and "see you"....good luck with that...been there done that...your turn now...

Wish I Could Remember...

The slumber party, pool party, Barbie doll playtime that after hearing other girls say "I want to be a veterinarian when i grow up" or "nurse" or "marry a rich man"....i said at 46 I want to lose everything, love a Sociopath, become an alcoholic and an addict.  This i can't remember...the shocked looks i am sure would have stuck with me.  "What i really want to do is carry and hide that which will one day break me down to face my true self...and do this behind success to the outside..."you are so strong" comments..."striking"...and the many thank you responses i got to the 'so insightful' sharing i could do when all was in place to the outside world...though i could create a beautiful space and my words were true...it was always me left out of the equation...how i understood the "bungled and botched"...my favorite kind of people...yet all the while the "vortex" beginning inside me and only kept down by sheer force and hard work...the co-dependency that drives me....did i ask for this?

So, i sound like so many others...but to understand pain in others you have to not look at the pain inside you...how we each go through something is stitched to something else which in turn is stitched to something else and so on.  To another what you are going through gets a comment "you're a buffoon" by the man who said he loved you for 28 years only to find you now a broken alcoholic.  He offers rehab because his "ex" was also an alcoholic and she would not go....what you slowly realize is the "ex" is not an "ex" and you are a surrogate for what he could not do there....in fact she is no "ex" at all...

If you light yourself on fire in front of someone....that someone begging for the truth...have the strength to say it...let your ego go.....

TRUTH -
What is it about truth that scares people so?
Ghandi said "There is no God higher than truth...
So what do you have to lose?
To lie is to spread a cancer of hurt, deceit, confusion....
Just lay it out there the good, the bad and the ugly.
Who cares what people think?
Do you really believe that you can open their closets and find nothing hidden?
So you are broken...share it
So you are hurt...share it
So you can't understand your own mind....share it
In doing so...i guarantee you will change others for the better even if you never see it, get credit for it, get the hopes they planted on you....
You will have done good.
When you are blessed to be in the "all is working space" and everything is flowing smoothly grab it and use the "moments of clarity" to spread what you are experiencing.
When you fall do the same.
Is it truly possible that you are the only one who has seen this?
Your pain over a lost pair of shoes can be as devastating as a cheating boyfriend to another....
Have compassion...learn to listen...to see what is being blessedly reflected to you.
We are all one in this experience.
None of our pain is more valid that the next.
None of our success is more valid than the next.
When we realize that if we all were stripped to our bare souls we feel the same, we hurt the same, we love the same, we grieve the same, we feel loss, we feel happiness...the TRUTH to it is that we are trained to express and "put on a face" from very young, very innocent ages and that travels with us through life unless...and there are many reasons...we get a huge hit, we feel a pull inside or as most of us have chosen...we break to the point of complete hopelessness....God bless the "bungled and botched"....

For we are the truth tellers...no better, no worse, no more insightful....just have a gene that makes us at one point KNOW that the TRUTH is all the matters.

I walk my house of 23 years and I can find only 6 things i want to save...the rest i am selling and the perfect persons are coming for those items....the universe keeps giving if we realize....your hurt is no bigger than mine and mine is no bigger than yours....that some are on this go around to not feel hurt at all...there is "My Tribe" out there...little by little I am being forced to meet them and than thank the powers that be that i have broken into a million pieces because here they come...we know each other instantly....now I just have to have to confidence to let them in...learn to weed out the others...that is the only way to go forward..."live and let live".....

When you tell the truth...

so you tell someone that you have an addiction to alcohol.  They say they want to help...but they don't really know what they are getting into...the ups the downs....the mood swings...the 17 days then slip...how much their words mean...that we see and pick up on the smallest inflections...that not letting go of the ex as the therapist advised does actually allow you to ask why....and not be attacked for asking...but we are sick...we are usually co-dependent as well as numbing ourselves...promises made and taken away are like cutting us off at the knees..."didn't think you could do it"....then why offer?  Offers give hope.  Make us feel believed in again...make us want to be better...then poof gone and we see we are nothing more than skin and bone to be lied to.  Why can't i do that to anyone?