Diagnosis after diagnosis

This time it is bi-polar...but the manic is "anger"...i think to myself duh....now help me...he looks down at me over half rimmed glasses...best chance is Seroquel....you mean the drug they give you in the...what it is called the 57/50 or 72 hour hold?...the drug that makes you shuffle to your meals and with half a pickled brain you know they are doing it to keep you under control...keep the staff to a minimum...but there are always a few good nurses who speak to me like a human...imparting their wordly wisdom...sincerely...i feel it...get it together...you have so much to give...and i do...but i can't find it any more...so again i return...go through the same hold...the same truly "lost" attaching themselves to me...me who believes once you know what the main issue is...you are half way to healing.  Words from when i ran a successful store, had confidence to spare, could dispense wisdom that can make a woman lose 50 pounds...it ran through me like a gift...it was not ego...it was not me...it was the energy...i tried a guided meditation a few months ago...it was beautiful...as we reached the bottom of the stairway we were being led to and got in the crystal pure water i saw ME...and she was holding a box...she opened it...she said "I have been holding this for you"....it was a pure a shining light...pure and shining light.  I felt on air until i saw myself again....scared and alone...not good enough...someone right there to make light of my experience...crushed the whole damn thing...why because they could not find their spot.  IN ALL BE HAPPY FOR THOSE WHO FIND ONE STEP FORWARD....even if you have not.  In the end there is not one of us not touched by some pain...I drink to numb myself....if I repeat...forgive me...here's to more bungled and botched out there...find your light...doesn't mean you have to stand in line at the local chain coffee, bagel or juice bar but if you do...find the strength to look them in the eye...fake a smile if you have to....

Finding the Truth

Truth has been this word to haunt me for some time now...it is not that i claim to always say the truth though i am pretty honest...i say pretty honest because sometimes i still hold back but that is called lying by omission.  Someone once said to me that people reveal their truth pretty early after meeting them...of course this was about a man at the time.  I couldn't hear it because it meant something too painful but now with time i see that is one of the most valuable tidbits I have ever heard.  Most of the time we don't want to see the truth before us because it does represent or would lead to a pain we do not want to face...who wants to face any pain...so we chose to turn the other cheek or give room where we shouldn't.
This lesson hit me hard over the last four months.  From it I realized...especially if you are a woman...believe your gut...it will never steer you wrong...and for everyone...when it doesn't feel right it just isn't...when things don't make sense...they don't and when you are 100% in the wrong...it is mathematically impossible....

Live your truth...good, bad and ugly...in it is beauty.