Wish I Could Remember...

The slumber party, pool party, Barbie doll playtime that after hearing other girls say "I want to be a veterinarian when i grow up" or "nurse" or "marry a rich man"....i said at 46 I want to lose everything, love a Sociopath, become an alcoholic and an addict.  This i can't remember...the shocked looks i am sure would have stuck with me.  "What i really want to do is carry and hide that which will one day break me down to face my true self...and do this behind success to the outside..."you are so strong" comments..."striking"...and the many thank you responses i got to the 'so insightful' sharing i could do when all was in place to the outside world...though i could create a beautiful space and my words were true...it was always me left out of the equation...how i understood the "bungled and botched"...my favorite kind of people...yet all the while the "vortex" beginning inside me and only kept down by sheer force and hard work...the co-dependency that drives me....did i ask for this?

So, i sound like so many others...but to understand pain in others you have to not look at the pain inside you...how we each go through something is stitched to something else which in turn is stitched to something else and so on.  To another what you are going through gets a comment "you're a buffoon" by the man who said he loved you for 28 years only to find you now a broken alcoholic.  He offers rehab because his "ex" was also an alcoholic and she would not go....what you slowly realize is the "ex" is not an "ex" and you are a surrogate for what he could not do there....in fact she is no "ex" at all...

If you light yourself on fire in front of someone....that someone begging for the truth...have the strength to say it...let your ego go.....