Need to Write...


Don't even have a subject today to write about...except the feeling that I need to go out on the driveway and create something...woke up at 4am...in one of my can't sleep stages...what does normal feel like?...been so long I can't remember...but again is that the normal I want to feel again?...not really...my poor parrot Jake is probably getting a birdy ulcer from all this...got a message recently from a "psychic healer" I used to see when I had money...she said the world is opening up for me...my life would have been better off all along had I never married, stayed away from committed relationships, my life has been designed to be solitary in many ways yet I have wasted most of it "searching"...and she is right...so what do I learn from that?....the same thing I have said but not lived...should I fall in love again...2 houses...or house with separate out building on same property...horses...space to breathe...time away to be me...time for you to be you...knowing that we are together...that should we be out and our eyes meet we "KNOW"....and there is no question that it is "you and I"....I will never be 'normal' and I accept that...I just want to be strong...

Here We Go..........


I have to consider myself lucky...there is a couple so in love with the home I created here that they are willing to take the all the repairs on...offer much more than on market for...they "love the feel of the house"....to me that is like winning the lottery would be for someone else...you can feel what I did here...they spent the better part of a Saturday here when they were to be attending other open houses...they have gone over the place with a fine tooth comb...every inspection you can order...and they want to give the old girl the next level of love she needs...I took her from a 'diamond in the rough' to what it feels like today...now they get to add their touch and have the moola to get her a new roof, paint, repairs I let slip all the years on my own with my own store and taking off every weekend to Santa Cruz.  He's from the UK and she's from here...he hates shake roofing...the neighbors are NOT going to like that...but I tell them what can I do?  Look at the garden...it rocks...best looking house on the street...can't tell them what to do...but I can tell you this...they obviously love it so it won't become a box store make over house...like across the street with the foam filled window moulding, spray on stucco siding, grecian columns and torn down 70 year old fireplace...you haven't lived here long enough to know what that house looked like but it wasn't that...the grape stake fence that took me and my ex 4 hours to pick and choose and carefully place to complete what is 20' total but looks like it has been there since 1941 when the house was built will hopefully stay as well as the arbor over the driveway...she will just get a driveway refinish...don't know if I will have the guts to come back and see her later...will most likely drive away and that will be that...but I am a curious person...who knows...but I have seen other neighbors come back and be heartbroken...best to close the chapter completely...this is weird, this is hard, this is painful and at the same time this is liberating...exciting...pushing me to change...take risks bigger than ever...and I have always loved a good risk...


You've been so good to me...hard at times to hold on to...others very easy...many partners have come and gone through here...different energies...good and bad...but you were always mine with your Wedgewood stove, your vintage-ness I refused to change...the rounded cabinets...the breeze I could always count on in the afternoon the came through the front windows to the back sunroom that is amazing to be in when it rains due to the metal roof...the random plank flooring we found after using the carpet that was here 23 years ago...a shade of green that appears no where in nature...that late afternoon when after using the carpet as a drop cloth for the painting we did we said "let's see what is under this"...the wood just glowed...now you are not mine...I am off to create myself and then create another home one day...I will miss and always love you...first little house of mine...sorry I did not paint you recently or put that new roof on, seal your driveway...but I always planted in your soil, kept you clean, kept the lighting perfect...loved you...that has to count for something...

Thought I was Losing My Home....

In fact I am gaining myself...I heard others say this...that they were "happier"...I could not let myself buy into it...my home...my creation was still too much a part of me...yet my heart, gut, head knew in some way it was holding on to a chapter that ended...it was the last link to that time...even though I can open any journal and find a sentence that states..."sell the house...travel"...I guess the universe said..."well, you aren't doing it but you are and have been putting it out there...so guess we'll take it from here"....so glad it did...

Thank you to my agent who I asked "why have you stuck around for all this?"...I am a Libra...I can rage...I can turn inside out...I can flip on a dime...she has seen the very worst I can be...she said "she didn't know why....but she kind of likes me"...that made me laugh...to me she a guardian angel...maybe because she has gone through the seriousness of life and lived to tell about it...but I have endless gratitude for her...her time...her 'calling me out on my *#!@'....the end is coming of a long era...or chapter...one I let happen...lost myself in...turning this way and that...like that kids book....Are you my Mother?...the little chick looking for his mom...looking to be saved...seeping desperation...it has all changed...more correctly is all changing...yet just the other day I took a leap...the biggest since I said "I hate my job" and opened my own store...I surrendered...I gave up what I had become addicted to...pain and self pity...gave up people I had put my hopes and dreams in...one very painful one indeed...but know it is the only choice...there comes a day when you either turn the page or you close the book...(not mine)...now a the new chapter I saw coming 2 years ago can begin...on faith and the rising real estate market...

I now put myself in my own capable hands...confident that each day...as it has been I will grow more comfortable again in my own skin...see more clearly around me...embrace my creativity...and BE the strength everyone says they see in me....even more so...learn to trust...learn again to love...

For the many who supported, sent love, good thoughts, hopes and prayers for me from afar...THANK YOU...the fire that caused the rage is fading...the fear that caused the anger is being replaced with my 'knowing' no one walks this life without a bruise or two...I remember once knowing that...forgive me for hurting you, my vile words, my blackout rages...some directly and others hurt by having to watch me destroy myself...

Part of me that has become accustom to what I carried around every minute of every day for almost 2 years likes to pop up and say "But wait...he did...she did...they said...but i can't find it in me to hold on to resent for where i went...only deep gratitude I am coming out...and the prayer those who can forgive will...even if it from afar...

Near Tango with Out of Control Mini Van - 


So, yesterday at one of the many flea markets I attend a speeding driver hopped the curb, ran down 6 metal temporary guard rails and headed straight for me.  If you have ever heard metal hitting metal like in a car accident...it is a terrifying sound...I could not get out of the way...to the left was furniture I could not have gotten over in time...all I could do was jump forward and literally wrap myself around the Sycamore tree his front right side was heading straight for..rails which were hooked together were being pushed in and right behind me was where two were connected...he rode the outside of them...in moments like that where time is instants...you see no out...you surrender...I closed my eyes and held that tree...not thinking of "what is next"..."he is going to hit me"..."will I die?"..."will it hurt?"...I did not hear the people who later told me they screamed assuming they were going to witness me getting hit...


Miraculously he corrected back left...leaving the rails pushed within 16" of my back...the wonderful women and men who came to me had to unwrap me from the tree...I remember that all the loose bark where I had been holding on was rubbed off and the tree was so smooth just where my body had been...all the bark pcs on the front of my shirt and jeans...I heard "I got part of the license plate", "let me get you water" and being led to sit on the grass around the other side of the tree where a sweet woman peeled me a delicious orange.  Having very good blood pressure my heart rate calmed pretty fast...the hubbub went on around me people comparing the plate number they saw, the color of the van and that he had a woman in the passenger seat that never changed her expression and looked straight forward the entire time...there were children in the back...that he did not stop and continued his careening drive down the street and out of site.  


Shortly thereafter i got up...walked back to my booth and that is when by the drag marks of the rail feet and the tire mark in the gravel we were on how close he had come...noticed the 100 year old mirror which had been shattered...all the mirror shards...only a small cut on me...that when he corrected he had run over the clothing rack of booth one over from mine...and hit the chair she had been sitting in minutes before...surreal is all I can say...I heard myself repeating the story over and over as those from across the plaza came to hear the tale of what they saw...one woman said "you may feel this later, like when you get home"...I said "I'm fine"...she was right...when i got home after a dry, question filled, fact blah, blah text discussion with a Cop acquaintance of mine...she was right...once i hit the driveway I thought this is the second time I have come so close to bodily harm, maiming...or worse via automobile...tears came...why was I saved when my car rolled down an hill, an oak branch pierced the windshield, sheared off the driver seat at the half way point...the seat i was in...went right through the middle of the seat, through the back seat and to the back hatch...yet after all I had was a very bruised and swollen right arm...this branch was 5" around...but that is WHOLE OTHER STORY...


An officer came yesterday...he was blase about the whole thing...I wear a knee brace from another incident...again a WHOLE OTHER STORY...his first words "you didn't just put that on 5 minutes ago?"...ha ha...said he had conflicting plate numbers, didn't think they would find the driver, I should go through my insurance for shattered mirror...gave me an Information Card...said he is probably long gone...all i could think or you will get back in that squad car and be called to the scene of a death and there the green mini van will be you pompous *#@hole...then he had the nerve to say "whoa he came close, look at the drag marks"...excuse me please...I have known more than a few wonderful, honest, compassionate, still human police officers...but I have known more who carry around something or have learned something or adopted something from their power or past that makes them..."different" than the "Protect and Serve" they pledge to uphold...


Anyway, again near miss...another reminded to let go of the bull#*!@....people, places, things, thoughts, past, present and future...and again the recurring thought of recent..."Life is Short" even if it isn't some way cut short for you...so universe I GET IT!!!...and above all...THANK YOU....to all who came to me yesterday and peeled me off the tree, called 911, got plate number, peeled an orange, got me water, sat with me, gave advice, had genuine concern for me and even my friend who made a joke to break the "whoa! " I was in...I GET IT...


xoxo

Separating "Wishes" from "Truth" - 

There is such a freedom in separating what you want something to be...what someone tells you it is...from the reality of what 'really' is...I have been a 'believer' my whole life...you tell me something and I will take the words coming from your mouth and believe in you...maybe that is why one of the mottos of my life is "Give me Something to Believe In"....80's rock band title as well I think...just went through and came out the other side of doing this again...what I have learned is I will always believe you...but I am quicker on the uptake when too many facts prove otherwise...now it becomes yours and NOT mine...my other new worn, tried and true thought is "Life Is SHORT"...live it...RISK...let go...take chances...

There is no one walking this planet who isn't carrying some baggage they just want to put down...can't put down...harbor...feel for...suffer from...so I try and help...does that make me Co-dependent or some other therapy label?  No, it just makes me, me...ok...maybe peppered with co-dependency...I want love...I need love...I want TO love...so no matter what someone presents to me as their outside I will always see there inside..."Do unto others".....

So thank you again to the 'takers', the 'liars', the 'no it is all you not me folks', you have to's, no i didn't say that, i meant this you should read my minders, the knee breakers, the engine blowers, those with fiance's they can't leave....to the parent who stole last dollars and didn't talk to me for a year, to the "I will help you" but left...thank you.  My wish is that your path is where you are to be...and if it isn't that you change it...because

Life is Short....

Today I Cracked...Broke Open...

I create...that is what I do and who I am...spent the first part of the day setting up for an "Artist of the Month" show...that artist being me...at the gallery/warehouse of a friend who fell into the same 'salvage' , 'rework', 'restore' business I am doing when mortgage brokerage no longer fit him.  He has a keen eye and seems to have been born to do this as well....the items he finds blow me away...but in return he likes my "stylized" painting...for me it began as therapy...for him a new direction...to look at him you'd never guess...but dang he is good....the luxury of a wife to take care of the home, a self confidence in himself and a wonderful personality allow him the time to search as i love to search for things whatever they may be...I watch him at various Flea Markets and off he'll go, come back with this amazing item...$3 he'll say...floors me...but I love to watch creation....we were just lucky enough to be put next to one another at a flea market...though we had briefly met before...I was not at my best...another story...

Anyway, i drove away to come home finish up goods for Saturday and it hit me...hit me like a street fight kick to the stomach...next exit pronto...pulled into a Safeway parking lot...turning inside out...breath not coming to me...white knuckles on the wheel...my parrot in his cage next to me...looking over for assurance...found shade parked...opened the door and wandered through the quiet section of the lot where we were...then it happened...could it have been visual to anyone passing by it would have looked like a The thick skin of the hulk (green one not wrestler) breaking off in large chunks...underneath a dark ooze...rolling down to the next piece that broke away as I walked in circles...a trail of this would have been visible...it seemed a 110 degrees...the chunks could shred a tire...speaking calmly to my parrot who in his infinite wisdom began to preen himself and let me on my way...i didn't go far...off my shoulders, my legs, my arms, my back...these pieces fell...that goo sliding off...I could feel the anger it held, the self pity, the tunnel vision, lack of empathy...I could feel the anger did not like being stuck to the hot black asphalt drying...then the tears...the tears for so much pain...the tears for so much pain caused...the tears for that selfish ME, ME, ME self...the tears, then sobs...great heaving sobs...for losses I and only I caused...for cruelty towards innocent people trying to help, sobs for those not so innocent who demanded more than i could give...sobs for not seeing that everyone carries something and should be treated gently...sobs for the 'empathy' i used to pride myself having in spades...maybe years ago or maybe only when things were "good"...money in the bank...success as deemed by accomplishment and praise...having had a dream and making hit happen...someone once told me it is easy to cover mistakes when the volume you are moving is large...who was I to judge how you should go through your shit?  Clearly I could see the circles i walked...the thick hide melting...the dark goo drying away...I wanted to reach out but to who?  Hadn't i just spent the last two years pushing everyone and i mean everyone away from me?  Wet cat in a bag...Who would understand?  Who would answer?  Should they anyway?  Vomited next to a Crepe Myrtle tree...lucky some shopper didn't call the police...must have been a site...though i never thought of it...I dialed one person...maybe i was having a breakdown but knew I wasn't...the smartest person i have ever known..."no way was he going to touch this"...he has a life to live now...chose happiness over my sickness...and in the depths you did not want to be near it...my epiphany or out of body experience or meltdown or breakdown was not/is not and will not and rightfully so be part of his life now.  History, love, miracle, years of longing...."sister i wish you well but you and i both know you have a long way to go"..."you are on your own now"..."I will hope the best from afar"...these words i believe he would have said...he is too smart to pick up and knows...because as I said...he is the smartest man i have ever known...most beautiful heart and loved me for a brief time..also knew when to go back home....knew when to 'fish or cut bait'....did which ever is best for the self...I guess fish?...I admire his ability to stay silent...to move on...to honor his own life and anyone in it not to step back...
Sobbed at least 2 quarts of tears...though my 6' frame now hold about 125 pounds...felt even lighter...of course I am not stupid...this is not the end....the real work begins...
My home of 24 will be sold in days...people tell me to plan...I have NEVER in my life planned...these are the only 2 plans i can be assured of "no one with a penis can come near me"....and once house gone, parrot settled in foster care...the travel i have written about for over a decade will commence...life is hard when you have to live your own words of advice...things can be packed, donated, given away...time we don't get back...things are things even a home you loved and now see was the albatross around your neck...so i commit to moment by moment again...being "Artist of the month"...make ammends where and when i can and accept if they are not wanted...

Need to stop....glad no one reads this...but happy to have it here...if I had one wish right now it would be a little boat on the Delta...dusk has always been my favorite time of day...all can feel so right with the world...in the reeds...do I have $1400?...gonna go look...

Indeed a beautiful day...over all...minute by minute...second by second...I create...that is what i do....

Inspiration from the Strangest of Places -

Some time ago someone gave me an MP3 player...the kind that could be a lighter or out of a gum ball machine next to the tattoo dispenser...I plugged it into my computer downloaded what was on it...some garbage...to me anyway...then this song by...Dolly Parton....not ever given much thought to her except her attitude...always positive...the song is called "Better Get to Livin'...yes no G...

Starts "People always coming up to me asking Dolly what's your secret?"...."with all you do your attitude just seems to be so good how do you keep it?"....then the chorus..."Better get to livin'....givin'...don't forget to throw in a little more giving and love along the way...better get to knowing....showing...a little more concern about where you are going...a word unto the wise....you better get to living"...."girlfriend showed up started crying on my shoulder...spinning such a sad tale, I could not believe the yarn she was weaving...so negative the words she had to say...if i had a violin I'd play....be willing and forgiving cause out healing has to start with you...stop whining, pining, get our dreams in line and then just shine, design, refine until they come true....underappreciated...you better get to livin'...don't sweat the small stuff...when it gets too tough fall to your knees and pray...do this every day...the day we are born we start to die...don't waste a moment of this life...

Thanks crazy pink MP3 player and crazy guy who handed it to me....

I hope to one day forgive him...

Seeing Clearly -

Today I completely surrender...how can i not?  Life keeps throwing me beautiful people, events, a new direction, new found talents....people who want to help me grow those talents and so many that desire I start a new business again.

Have my first "featured artist" show...even though my emotions are all over the board and I do not understand the one's that have gotten in closest only to lie, cheat and steal...I find it a waste of time now to think about them...miss my "present" for them?....God would say...'come have a seat next to me, let's talk'

Miss connecting to these people would be a sin...I have mad talent, the capacity to love fully, deeply and change you...it has been my lot in life...create beauty where there was none....I think more people have the capacity to create than they allow themselves to see...

May you find your passion...may love, hurt and lies not consume you...it is a waste of your life...leave them to their own path...know it is not yours...they are like a Chigger (a why God thing?)...get the medication, rub it on and get them OUT!  Let them go.  Send them off with love.

Live...this is the only life we get that we know of...and maybe, just maybe you chose this path before you got here...if so then all is as it should be...comforting if you can give it just a minute...

Someone Sent Me This Today...

"Change is the law of life...and those who look only to the past or to the present...are sure to miss the future" - JFK

Been so stuck in the past and present that I forgot there is a future coming....no matter what except some unforeseen event that stops it...but old habits are hard to break...wonderful, beautiful new people have been entering my life...i haven't been able to see them clearly...holding on to a dream that never was...never was going to be...the whole while in it forgetting me...so not truly living at all...just consumed and chasing a ghost...I keep asking myself how much more?...plowing ahead in directions that broken promises put me on...let me be honest here...I put me on...then the broken promises came...pushed, pulled, this way then that at the whim of another persons words...though i still feel the desire to sit down and have a talk...just talk...clear the air....closure...i realize this other person cannot do that...what i am writing here is my grief...my grieving process...my acceptance of a life long pattern...yes it is me...but it is you too.

All these last weeks losing a baby that never was...the little safe home inside my uterus was there...the egg sack firmly attached to the wall...but no fetus...pain like i have never felt...of course all the hormonal ups and downs that go with it...adding to me being the "crazy pants" I am...love, hate, sad, happy, compassionate, failure....up, down, up, down...kept my mind off the pain..kept me close to the bathroom every 30 minutes or so...think finally gone...at least ending....thought that a week or so ago when it started...wasn't bad...but this was it...the final goodbye...God in his infinite wisdom knew it was wrong...can't though stop the admission of "If I had ever had a child (never desired one) it would have been with you."....but not me, you and fiance'....thank you universe for seeing what had to happen...

So, today i embrace the change, the miracles, the people...I refuse to miss my future...whatever it holds it will be beautiful...because i am...and i chose to see that...everyone should...

We Are All Working Through Something....

I am dreaming again...same subject every night but I am dreaming...that is a good sign...I have read we work things out in our dreams....week 3 of the same subject...must be working it out...working through.

We are all working through something...some get hit like a a freight train with their "something"....others suffering silence...some know it is happening but are not ready to face it though it is happening right before their eyes...life is saying "pay attention"...."you asked for this"..."do some of the work"...they can't.

I am guilty of being a "fighter"...meaning beating myself senseless trying to show someone or worst make someone see what they are doing...what the very words out of their very mouths are doing.  Now i throw that towel in...work your stuff out....I adopt the "healthy boundaries" therapist mantra now.   Accept the Co-Dependency of my ways...you are not here to fix me and i am not here to fix you.  The GOLDEN RULE though is...it is never ours to be cruel...we can, should and are obliged to use our "grown up" words.

Fighting addiction, the loss of a love story like few have ever known...but was completely fiction read to me and i hung on every word, the loss of my beloved home...no one's fault but my own...I wake up today with gratitude...the sun and sky look different...i feel nothing but hope...even glimpses of the other side...a peace i was searching for outside myself is finding a home inside of me to settle and grow.

I will need that peace each moment of every day...the next bug a boos I will delve into are the one's that brought me here in the first place. They are the story of countless souls walking this earth...child abuse, addicted mother, sister lost to heroin, sister just lost...being "the watcher" as a very small girl...telling myself then "I will not be like this"....I wasn't until life, God, the universe, even myself had different plans for me.

I have always been attracted and compassionate for the Bungled and the Botched of this world.  No one would pick that lifestyle of homelessness, madness, stuck in the vortex of their own heads so deeply that is winds up, the string breaks and there they are forever.  Today I wake up and thank God I am not there forever...was very close...but today I will take my parrot for a ride in the car...he loves that.  I will work in my yard everyday until i lose this home.  But, i created it and can do it again should I want the "American Dream" once more.  What i want next is horses...land...to breathe in deep knowing the worst is behind me.  So thank you Cruel Lying Cop (and you are welcome for opening your heart and finally letting you grieve the death of your mother)...you lied to me in return but thank you anywa, thank you knee breaking Sociopath, thank you speed freak mother....thanks to all of you that came...took the good stuff you needed and ran.  Because now i know i have plenty to spare...after I use it to cleanse myself.

Finally, the words I have heard my whole life "You Are SO Strong" have meaning...I am strong...balance is also on my "to do" list. I am keeping that list short.

Two final things and I have to write everything down having done to my body and brain not to mention liver and kidneys what I have these last two years.

1. Use dignity when you encounter an addict that you like, love, wanted to love, is family and find that your threshold to help is gone.  You couldn't do it...surprise...you can't.   We have feelings...you fight the addiction not the person so don't hurt them more than they are hurting themselves.  But, maybe that is your "what you are going through"....ego...power...whatever...
2. At the end of the day...alone with my dreams...I would still rather be me than anyone else.

No one is not going through something...but it is never acceptable to be cruel...there are countless "Hail Mary's"in my future for the cruel words I have used while drinking...against the innocent and the not so innocent it is never right...but can be what it is...thank God my time was short.  You were my addiction...now I am my rehab...

Learning to Let Go -

Today a very intelligent, insightful man reminded me of some simple rules of life.  He told me to write them down and live them everyday...his call came at a moment i was spinning into what i call the Vortex. The vortex is where my brain connects to a "hurt", a "lie", a "deceit"....or someone going silent in the face of a direct question...turning to "shut off" mode.
I used to know this stuff...it got lost in the last two years of "why?"...Why being the very downfall of my mental health...

1. It doesn't matter what somebody THINKS.
2. It doesn't matter what somebody SAYS.
3. The ONLY thing that REALLY MATTERS is what REALLY IS.

In essence...I know what happened I was there...YOU were not...I know what was said...YOU were not there to hear it...I KNOW the promises made and broken...YOU DO NOT...so that is what REALLY IS.

Truth is something i search for...I am not perfect at it...i was raised to be perfect...perfect makes balancing in truth very hard...you lie to yourself...it becomes your truth....but eventually I realized my truth thanks to my amazing store and the amazing people who came through my doors and the amazing women who came to work with me...no one who has met me in these last years was not told what i was and what i was going through.  What I was doing to myself...how i felt...the easier stuff first...the alcohol...the harder stuff later...the abuse...the hardest stuff last...addiction...if i fell off the wagon I said so...how i felt about you was not a lie....what hurt me was no joke...what mattered to me...was real...that I believed you...pure faith and from the heart...i may be a vile drunk, deep anger that often includes names of the past...things i must next work out...

Don't for a second think your lies did not contribute to the woman you judge today.  That there was no impact to me.  The simple act of letting your past go so we could have that bright future you so excitedly talked about or to live that "rare" chance we talked about having was not vividly real to me...why? (there it is)....because you sold it to me with conviction...you said it with such conviction...you held me with such conviction...using my entire name when you said you loved me.
The one thing that you could not do brought down your whole house of cards and my heart and sobriety i was working so hard to attain with it.  The way you said "I love you"...the horse ranch...all while ignoring her pleas for you "to come home to your wife"....saying i don't answer because it doesn't matter...the hell it didn't matter...I may drink but I am far from stupid.  My ability to see a bullshitter is finely tuned and yours would be too if you grew up as I did...the difference this time was I was weak and easy to prey on...so i held on unable to believe this was you.  Again, I KNOW WHAT REALLY IS...I was there...

What REALLY is?  The words i will never forget..."I will do it to shut you up"..."That not one promise made or action to be taken from better knee brace for me, get the doors back to save the house 3 times offered... and move in here..."would be an honor to live in a place you created"....came to fruition...not one.  Not a single one.
"Do you believe me?" - "Do you trust me?" - that tone as you said it...like "child are you listening?"...yes sir Mr. Cop...but as the weeks went by and the time came to ask what was happening with any of these things...treated the same as a child would be you snapped..."I'M DOING IT"...yet at 48 I am not a child and I know you had done nothing.  Time working against me because of your double life.  Again, weak...I was prey...I KNOW WHAT REALLY IS...you did not love me.  I was a past memory being relived...punished because I was not the same 'dream girl'...

I digress...this is what and who I am letting go of.  As I have said when you are weak...you are prey.  You are not yourself...you accept pain you wouldn't in a million years if you still believed in you.  I believe in me again.  What I do not believe in you is YOU.  I never knew you those short months.  I refused to accept it.  Now I do.  I KNOW you.  I KNOW WHAT REALLY IS...."ALWAYS"

What The *$@!?

You go to rehab...spend 20k...write an "ego blog"...go out and get drunk...then why the rehab?  Just accept who you are..."not nice to talk about people"...on Facebook...use talking about people as a connection to "friends"....you have no more to say than the crazy man Sam who walks the streets of Willow Glen where you used to live...his stories will be more real than yours will ever be...he says things like "stop...we carry too many plates...i see you carry too many plates...put some down"...he speaks English only to those he deems worthy...you would never be worthy...ego blogs are shit...i want to help this poor person who has nothing when i came from everything is shit....you talk about how good you are at fucking....big deal...right this instant millions are fucking...big deal...and i can bet you dollars to donuts three quarters are better than you...your desperation seeps through...only the weak fall for it and back to Facebook you go....Mad?...you better believe it...Disappointed in people...oh yeah....Loved me 28 years...LOAD OF SHIT when you have a fiance...walk in your truth or don't walk at all....gained 75 pounds since you followed me like a puppy....lost half your hair....watched fiance beg for your attention but you had a new toy...an old toy who ran you through the ringer at 20....and as i sit right now...I am glad i did....i never thought of you those years...not once...when i did i remembered your appendage being smaller than average...Italian only in height....a cop now...never hated a single one...would stand up for them until you then i saw first hand what you are...paid too much, weak, power...small dick, big paycheck...liars til death....would sell the soul of their dead mother not to be convicted of using too much force on the throat of a subdued man....

That is you...take it....

He Said...

Nothing just held my cheeks and kissed me after 28 years apart.  I believe I was going to say "hey, here you are" or something lame like that.  It was the most romantic moment of my life...it lasted too briefly. That perfect moment, this single man who said he had not gone 3 days without thinking of me for 28 years, the immediate connection, the immediate hours passing as seconds...the way he felt wrapped around me...the things we had in common...we had both told friends that we wanted to take a BBQ trip through the south both to be laughed at, we had both had near death experiences, we both love Bryan Ferry "Avalon"....these coincidences were like shooting stars.  We looked at each other as if "how can this be"...you see we had a connection when were 20 years old.  Not the most healthy but it was real...looking back not so wonderful for him...i was in a foursome not of my choosing but to more be the sidekick for my overbearing and insecure "best friend"...to this day i cannot remember the name of the guy i was seeing...the fourth of the group...i do remember his Polo cologne...reeked!

Across the room i would see HIM...yet i could not break away...he could see me and only wait longingly.  We made a pact...you be here when i call and i will be there when you do.  The rest of the 3 made his life hell for hanging around the ice cream parlor i worked in.  I loved his company.  He made me feel safe.  We spent most of our time out at night...we both loved to run...he loved to run behind me...we talked...we became "friends with benefits" long before the term was coined and used in sitcoms.  The best kisser of my life.  I guess you could say i was a "cheater" but in my mind i was not cheating...i was just a forth in a pack not contributing much...complacent much of the time.  Stolen kisses in the pantry of his family home.  Sex in my MGB, the ice cream parlor...him writing on my second story bedroom wall in shoe polish.  He tried to show he cared but dare step close and his guard went up...thinking he would end the butt of some cruel joke.  I moved on to other boys...he watched...I made dates...he watched...still we had our late night meetings...he was sweet...chocolate and champagne sweet...but he had a goal and that was sex.  But we talked and we talked and we kissed and we had that sex....eventually i woke up.  I approached him about an "us"....always having been sarcastic he replied "aren't we just fuck buddies?"...my first true heartbreak...he tried over and over to take that back but some rolling door like in front of a city deli began to come down.  He showed up with perfume...i lit up...immediately he stated "dont tell anyone"...door went down further...time and again he tried to go back and correct his first answer yet each time it rang less true.  The door rolled down further.  To walk towards this boy i loved, trusted, wanted, cared about, "knew" was someone to be in my life was to walk into quicksand.  There was a final moment and a slap...he walked away.  In motion was my change.  I left for NYC and the world i knew here...he went to college....

There is so much more...but right now i cannot...the pain is too overwhelming...