Hate Feeling Hate...


I have never been able to hold 'hateful' feelings towards anyone...believe me my life has had its' fair share of people I should...child abusers, landlords, Sociopath ex who held a gun to my head and intentionally blew out my knee, a sexual predator of a boss...but until now I could let them go...when my life was 'on track'...I could pull from something inside and let it go...let it go in the 'knowing' that something better was  always coming...and it always did...I had the capacity to look at them clearly...see them clearly...forgive...move on...but everything is easier when your life is over all better than worse.  Someone once said to me about a completely different subject that "when like is clicking it is far easier to cast aside the negative"..."when you have nothing or have lost everything or life has thrown you onto the tracks...there is precious little to pull from"..."you are in uncharted territory"...


So it got me thinking...when you have...and I am no innocent victim to where my life is now...lost what made you, "you"...and you add alcohol...something you never had an issue with before then the sips become shots and the shots become bottles tunnel vision becomes all consuming...like a bad song playing over and over in your head...maybe would not have been so bad had we not had history...maybe not so bad if you were not trained to lie by the profession you chose...saw a struggling 'love of your life'...your words, not mine...could recite events of 28 years ago to the day...said didn't go 3 days without a thought of me over that time...yet still could lie as easily as you breathe...reached out with 3 monumental offers of help only to pull back your hand I was reaching for and believed in to hear you say....Just Kidding, can't, won't, whatever....I digress...this is about me...you are gone...


So, I ask myself...is it truly hate for that person who promised the world, to 'help' you, to 'love' you but had a dark little secret of his own only now from where I stand?  Am I hating that I can't let go and know something better is coming as it always had?...Is it ME that I am so mad at today?  I'd have to say both...I will take the lions share but no mister man you do not get off scott free...again...you are gone...see how I am in this loop or vortex as I call them?


Did you open up deep wounds that never truly healed...yet to their credit were part of why I have experienced some level of achievement in this world per say...as a child I was always "the watcher"...the youngest of 3 and by 8 years...drug addicts, speed freaks, narcissist family members who by 8 I knew I wanted to be nothing like...so I set out not to be...I was head strong...confident...my awkward years (the teens)...not so clear but by 20 my inner NOPE was set..."not right gotta go now"... later headed down the seeking of a 'spiritual' path that lasted 12 years plus...I flowed much more smoothly...ok some co-dependency...helped others maybe a bit too much...but I couldn't help seeing who they were...and our interactions were usually short and sweet...


Is it truly hate I have or as I stand at the abyss or jumping off point into the 'free fall' am I going through something natural?...is it hate?...or is it fear?...or is it just sadness and disappointment?...I always say I may be struggling with addiction but I am far from stupid...I stand by that...stupid (unwise - let's call them want to be less hard on myself) words, decisions, actions due to the addiction but still have a very finely tuned ability to see clearly...something I had to learn very young or was born with...slight inflections, one different word in the same story being told again...a family of liars I guess...self protection to see "it" coming and get out of the way...a strong gut that screams, tightens and flips..my gut turned inside out very early with you...I stayed and endured the worst pain of my life...again I digress...


Well, I guess in the end...not so sure it is hate after all...thank goodness...more a goulash of...main ingredient to remove?...the crutch...the alcohol...coming soon...