Thought I was Losing My Home....

In fact I am gaining myself...I heard others say this...that they were "happier"...I could not let myself buy into it...my home...my creation was still too much a part of me...yet my heart, gut, head knew in some way it was holding on to a chapter that ended...it was the last link to that time...even though I can open any journal and find a sentence that states..."sell the house...travel"...I guess the universe said..."well, you aren't doing it but you are and have been putting it out there...so guess we'll take it from here"....so glad it did...

Thank you to my agent who I asked "why have you stuck around for all this?"...I am a Libra...I can rage...I can turn inside out...I can flip on a dime...she has seen the very worst I can be...she said "she didn't know why....but she kind of likes me"...that made me laugh...to me she a guardian angel...maybe because she has gone through the seriousness of life and lived to tell about it...but I have endless gratitude for her...her time...her 'calling me out on my *#!@'....the end is coming of a long era...or chapter...one I let happen...lost myself in...turning this way and that...like that kids book....Are you my Mother?...the little chick looking for his mom...looking to be saved...seeping desperation...it has all changed...more correctly is all changing...yet just the other day I took a leap...the biggest since I said "I hate my job" and opened my own store...I surrendered...I gave up what I had become addicted to...pain and self pity...gave up people I had put my hopes and dreams in...one very painful one indeed...but know it is the only choice...there comes a day when you either turn the page or you close the book...(not mine)...now a the new chapter I saw coming 2 years ago can begin...on faith and the rising real estate market...

I now put myself in my own capable hands...confident that each day...as it has been I will grow more comfortable again in my own skin...see more clearly around me...embrace my creativity...and BE the strength everyone says they see in me....even more so...learn to trust...learn again to love...

For the many who supported, sent love, good thoughts, hopes and prayers for me from afar...THANK YOU...the fire that caused the rage is fading...the fear that caused the anger is being replaced with my 'knowing' no one walks this life without a bruise or two...I remember once knowing that...forgive me for hurting you, my vile words, my blackout rages...some directly and others hurt by having to watch me destroy myself...

Part of me that has become accustom to what I carried around every minute of every day for almost 2 years likes to pop up and say "But wait...he did...she did...they said...but i can't find it in me to hold on to resent for where i went...only deep gratitude I am coming out...and the prayer those who can forgive will...even if it from afar...